I love writing songs. I know I suck at guitar and that's fine...I do it because it's fun. Someone commented on my Channel 4 months ago and I just read the comment today. It said "Really talented,Great songs.Hope you make it in the music industry.You have things to say,and we love what you wrote.Cement walls: very touching.Go out there."
That was the first person anyone has ever actually slightly talked about my lyrics. Is it weird that I don't care that I have a good voice or the melody part that much in a song? I really put a lot of effort in the words and I feel like more and more people just drown out the words of tunes. But I love lyrics. It's poetry! I mean, YES, OF COURSE, I love the whole music part as well, but...people have things to say!
I think that is why I don't really try to memorize songs. I just like listening to them. I guess I feel like I'm being talked to...which is quite handy when I'm alone.
Anyways I feel lame for saying this, but I wish people would comment more on my lyrics...I don't know if they're good or bad or whatever. What good is a voice that doesn't have anything to say?
I don't know. I appreciate and love singing gibberish too, but it's different if you're a singer/SONGWRITER...for me at least.
Darn. I guess it doesn't matter.
I like my words.
But I keep forgetting words are meaningless.
DARN!
Life is hard. Just because of this one argument I am having in my head...I have decided life is hard.
BUT EFFORT! I GET AN A+ FOR EFFORT!
...right?
Friday, April 22, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Neutral
Date: April 18th, 2011
Day of Week: Monday
Location: Media Center
Countdown: 53
Today, I feel as though my mind is at peace. I haven't been thinking much about anything except for the work I'm doing in school which is pretty unusual. Usually my mind races a mile a minute. I think about 500 different ideas in a time span of 60 seconds. But today, my mind is blank.
Maybe it's because I'm tired. Maybe I'm drained from writing a six minute song last night. Whatever it is, I like it.
I don't really feel any emotions. If someone were to punch me in the face right now and run away, I probably wouldn't do anything about it. It's not me being lazy...I guess I just don't care. I'm not depressed...I'm not exactly happy. I guess the way I'd describe how I feel is neutral.
That sounds about right.
I'm looking forward to sleeping in this week. I don't have to go to school until 11:45pm because the underclassmen are testing in the morning. PLUS there's no school on Friday or next Monday. Pretty awesome.
Things to do:
-Work out today
-Ballet & Starry Plough on Tuesday
-4/20 Cypress Hill Concert on Wednesday
-Thursday...?
-NO ESCUELA! Music lesson and jazz gig Friday
I'm neutrally excited. :)
Day of Week: Monday
Location: Media Center
Countdown: 53
Today, I feel as though my mind is at peace. I haven't been thinking much about anything except for the work I'm doing in school which is pretty unusual. Usually my mind races a mile a minute. I think about 500 different ideas in a time span of 60 seconds. But today, my mind is blank.
Maybe it's because I'm tired. Maybe I'm drained from writing a six minute song last night. Whatever it is, I like it.
I don't really feel any emotions. If someone were to punch me in the face right now and run away, I probably wouldn't do anything about it. It's not me being lazy...I guess I just don't care. I'm not depressed...I'm not exactly happy. I guess the way I'd describe how I feel is neutral.
That sounds about right.
I'm looking forward to sleeping in this week. I don't have to go to school until 11:45pm because the underclassmen are testing in the morning. PLUS there's no school on Friday or next Monday. Pretty awesome.
Things to do:
-Work out today
-Ballet & Starry Plough on Tuesday
-4/20 Cypress Hill Concert on Wednesday
-Thursday...?
-NO ESCUELA! Music lesson and jazz gig Friday
I'm neutrally excited. :)
Thursday, April 14, 2011
The world is my couch...right?
Date: April 14, 2011
Day of Week: Thursday
Location: Media Center
Countdown: 58
My family keeps telling me to be careful of what I say on this public blog. I didn't think it was that big of a deal. The things I talk about people can relate to. I don't try to give out too much information about myself or anything. Everything I say I'm completely okay with people knowing about. I wouldn't say it if it were any other way. So what if a college sees this blog? I mean, can we really just go through life ignoring the authenticity of it?
This is who I am. This is a part of me. (Not the blog, but the act of expressing my thoughts) Why would you want to think of me as something I'm not? Let me be blunt here.
Teens are curious.
Curious about: sex, drugs, rock and roll, trying new things, activities, fashion, superficial items, beauty, nature, music...everything.
The only difference between teens and kids is that teens are closer to becoming adults and they have more knowledge of life. Including the "bad things" like drugs, sex?, money, drama, drama, DRAMA.
I don't know why so many adults think it's so terrible teens are interested in sex. HEY! EVERYONE! I DON'T KNOW IF YOU TOOK BIOLOGY, BUT IT'S NATURAL!! During the teen years and throughout the 20s our bodies are like dogs in heat. We are animals. We are horny animals. That may seems blunt and crude, but it is true. Yea, sure, we're too young. Too young to do exactly what our body is telling us to do because we made some "sex moral"; you have to be old enough for natural things to occur. I'm not saying I want everyone to just "do the do." I believe, in the beauty of making love, one has to be responsible. In this society we've created we mustn't be having babies everywhere! Which is fine! Yes, I am okay with that! Responsibility to me mostly comes with protection and trust in your partner. For me, sex also comes with love or at least a strong liking. But for others, love is just a "bonus," if you will.
I don't see why it's so wrong to talk about the things I do. I feel like it's so normal!
"It's public. It doesn't need to be public for the world to see."
WHY NOT? Do you really care? Do you really care what I have to say? If you don't want to read it, DON'T READ IT. But don't tell me to not type it. Books are public! People write autobiographies and memoirs ALL THE TIME! I don't see people complaining about those!
There are tons talking about how when they were teens they were addicted to crack and having sexual relations whores, but it's okay because they're an adult now and they've changed.
Well I'm NOT talking about crack OR having sexual relations with whores. I'm talking about the beauties and struggles in life and I'M getting ragged on!
Get outta here, yo!
Okay...I'm getting to ranty/angry, but...just...GAHHHHH!
Maybe I am too comfortable. Maybe I don't know when to stop. Maybe I'm an example of our moral values decaying. I'm sorry.
Or maybe I'm just different from you. I view the world as my comfy couch sometimes. You may view it differently. I accept you and expect nothing from you, but to be you.
So I ask you...can I be me without judgment as well?
Day of Week: Thursday
Location: Media Center
Countdown: 58
My family keeps telling me to be careful of what I say on this public blog. I didn't think it was that big of a deal. The things I talk about people can relate to. I don't try to give out too much information about myself or anything. Everything I say I'm completely okay with people knowing about. I wouldn't say it if it were any other way. So what if a college sees this blog? I mean, can we really just go through life ignoring the authenticity of it?
This is who I am. This is a part of me. (Not the blog, but the act of expressing my thoughts) Why would you want to think of me as something I'm not? Let me be blunt here.
Teens are curious.
Curious about: sex, drugs, rock and roll, trying new things, activities, fashion, superficial items, beauty, nature, music...everything.
The only difference between teens and kids is that teens are closer to becoming adults and they have more knowledge of life. Including the "bad things" like drugs, sex?, money, drama, drama, DRAMA.
I don't know why so many adults think it's so terrible teens are interested in sex. HEY! EVERYONE! I DON'T KNOW IF YOU TOOK BIOLOGY, BUT IT'S NATURAL!! During the teen years and throughout the 20s our bodies are like dogs in heat. We are animals. We are horny animals. That may seems blunt and crude, but it is true. Yea, sure, we're too young. Too young to do exactly what our body is telling us to do because we made some "sex moral"; you have to be old enough for natural things to occur. I'm not saying I want everyone to just "do the do." I believe, in the beauty of making love, one has to be responsible. In this society we've created we mustn't be having babies everywhere! Which is fine! Yes, I am okay with that! Responsibility to me mostly comes with protection and trust in your partner. For me, sex also comes with love or at least a strong liking. But for others, love is just a "bonus," if you will.
I don't see why it's so wrong to talk about the things I do. I feel like it's so normal!
"It's public. It doesn't need to be public for the world to see."
WHY NOT? Do you really care? Do you really care what I have to say? If you don't want to read it, DON'T READ IT. But don't tell me to not type it. Books are public! People write autobiographies and memoirs ALL THE TIME! I don't see people complaining about those!
There are tons talking about how when they were teens they were addicted to crack and having sexual relations whores, but it's okay because they're an adult now and they've changed.
Well I'm NOT talking about crack OR having sexual relations with whores. I'm talking about the beauties and struggles in life and I'M getting ragged on!
Get outta here, yo!
Okay...I'm getting to ranty/angry, but...just...GAHHHHH!
Maybe I am too comfortable. Maybe I don't know when to stop. Maybe I'm an example of our moral values decaying. I'm sorry.
Or maybe I'm just different from you. I view the world as my comfy couch sometimes. You may view it differently. I accept you and expect nothing from you, but to be you.
So I ask you...can I be me without judgment as well?
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Bukowski.
*PREVIOUS NOTE! NAMES WERE CHANGED!*
Date: April 13th, 2011
Day of Week: Wednesday
Location: Chem
Countdown: 59
I went to the Starry Plough in Berkeley last night and it was awesome! So many amazing people and familiar faces (from the last time I went)! Tim and I arrived late and had to go last, yet again, but we didn't mind. It's always a pleasure to stay and watch such talented and passionate musicians. Plus I won a free drink! Holla!
Forrest Day, a phenomenal artist/band was there again last night. They were there when I went a couple of weeks ago. I love their music. He's playing at the Great American Theater in San Francisco if you'd like to see their amazing-ness for yourself.
There was a man from Alabama who was absolutely great! Silky-voiced, sexy-ish, R&B-like music that made my whole body tingle. Oh yea. He's that good. I bought 2 CDs from him for ten bucks. One for me and one my friend, Melaney, who I owe a lot of "burn-outs" to. I don't really smoke anymore so I repay her with random gifts. She was genuinely happy I bought it for her. Melaney is awesome. We're Geminis and yea, sure, it's lame, but it's awesome to us. We bond over our similar reactions and thoughts and when she thanks me, I always know she really means it. Gemini's don't say thanks a lot. They expect a lot of things, which isn't a good thing and I am working on it, but whenever you go out of your way to please them, they are truly grateful.
Anyways...back to the Starry Plough.
Sex seemed to be a reoccurring theme of the night. There was a contest for a Free Drink and you had to either have the best joke or best terrible sex story. It was hilarious. The girl who won had the most terrible/funny sex story a person could probably ever have. She was getting it on with her new boyfriend and he flips her over to begin doggie style and all of the sudden he goes flaccid. She turns around and ask what's up and watches him pull out a long strand of toilet paper from her butt cheeks! "Apparently I use a lot of toilet paper when I 'freshen up'!"
Another girl came close to winning as well. She's about to have sex for the first time with this guy she's been dating for awhile. So they're making out on the couch and things are about to move to the next level and then...he whispers in her ear, "I'm sooo wet."
...Interpret that however you like.
Tim and I were discussing the possible reasons why that man would say such a confusing thing. She never really explained it...
Here's what we came up with:
-he could be a transvestite
-meant to say, "YOU'RE so wet."
-came in his pants
-still wet from the shower
-sweaty
-spilled something on himself
-he's aqua man
I like to think he's aqua man.
As the night continued as did the sex jokes.
When I went up, I thought it was only necessary to perform my sex song, "Stay Hush." Granted it's not dirty and it emphasizes the beauty and love aspects of sex, but still I got a lot of shouts and hoots on the more "raunchy" phrases. Afterwords I was told to write more sex songs because I'm way too sexy not to.
It was a great night.
I keep fighting out about this boy in my head. Long battle short...I'm vulnerable as hell and even though he says he loves me, I don't believe him. He can do so much better than me. Someone older, prettier, with bigger boobs, more fun, more not-as-crazy. He deserves better than me. Sure, I sound like I'm fishing for compliments, but I'm not. I'm fishing for happiness. If a need to take my hook out of his fish-mouth and set him free then I will.
See everyone likes the bait part. The new scent, scrumptious taste, and delirious satisfaction. But no one likes the hook part. Stuck, committed, floundering. Maybe some, it's a bad analogy for relationships. I don't mind the hook part if you just put me in a fish bowl after instead of eating me. There. A slight amendment to the analogy.
Enough about that. It'll all be okay.
My new philosophy; everything will be okay. We constantly freak out, analyze too much, and complicate stupid, meaningless shit when really if we all just breathe and calm down and take a look at the big picture, we'll realize it'll all be okay. Y
You wanna go the store?
Yes.
Wanna get me a Snickers if I pay you?
Naw.
Okay.
We confuse wants with needs. Also if there are two different wants in the situation, shit just blows up! Well...in my friend group at least.
Yo, I think I'm gonna go home.
Why don't you ever wanna hang out?! Don't you wanna kick it with me? Don't be lame!
I'll kick it with you tomorrow. You're with other people anyways. You'll still ahev fun.
But I want you here!
Well I don't want me here.
And it goes on and on.
Now if we just thought...hey...it'll be okay!
Yo, I think I'm gonna go home.
Why, you all good?
Yea, just not feelin it tonight.
Fasho. Rain check.
Yea, I'll hit you up.
Peace.
Well that was quite ooookay, wouldn't you say?
Location: Media Center
I'm reading about Bukowski and flipping through all of his poems.
http://www.poemhunter.com/charles-bukowski/poems/
All of them are pretty striking, but check this one out:
As The Sparrow
To give life you must take life,
and as our grief falls flat and hollow
upon the billion-blooded sea
I pass upon serious inward-breaking shoals rimmed
with white-legged, white-bellied rotting creatures
lengthily dead and rioting against surrounding scenes.
Dear child, I only did to you what the sparrow
did to you; I am old when it is fashionable to be
young; I cry when it is fashionable to laugh.
I hated you when it would have taken less courage
to love.
Charles Bukowski
huh...
Date: April 13th, 2011
Day of Week: Wednesday
Location: Chem
Countdown: 59
I went to the Starry Plough in Berkeley last night and it was awesome! So many amazing people and familiar faces (from the last time I went)! Tim and I arrived late and had to go last, yet again, but we didn't mind. It's always a pleasure to stay and watch such talented and passionate musicians. Plus I won a free drink! Holla!
Forrest Day, a phenomenal artist/band was there again last night. They were there when I went a couple of weeks ago. I love their music. He's playing at the Great American Theater in San Francisco if you'd like to see their amazing-ness for yourself.
There was a man from Alabama who was absolutely great! Silky-voiced, sexy-ish, R&B-like music that made my whole body tingle. Oh yea. He's that good. I bought 2 CDs from him for ten bucks. One for me and one my friend, Melaney, who I owe a lot of "burn-outs" to. I don't really smoke anymore so I repay her with random gifts. She was genuinely happy I bought it for her. Melaney is awesome. We're Geminis and yea, sure, it's lame, but it's awesome to us. We bond over our similar reactions and thoughts and when she thanks me, I always know she really means it. Gemini's don't say thanks a lot. They expect a lot of things, which isn't a good thing and I am working on it, but whenever you go out of your way to please them, they are truly grateful.
Anyways...back to the Starry Plough.
Sex seemed to be a reoccurring theme of the night. There was a contest for a Free Drink and you had to either have the best joke or best terrible sex story. It was hilarious. The girl who won had the most terrible/funny sex story a person could probably ever have. She was getting it on with her new boyfriend and he flips her over to begin doggie style and all of the sudden he goes flaccid. She turns around and ask what's up and watches him pull out a long strand of toilet paper from her butt cheeks! "Apparently I use a lot of toilet paper when I 'freshen up'!"
Another girl came close to winning as well. She's about to have sex for the first time with this guy she's been dating for awhile. So they're making out on the couch and things are about to move to the next level and then...he whispers in her ear, "I'm sooo wet."
...Interpret that however you like.
Tim and I were discussing the possible reasons why that man would say such a confusing thing. She never really explained it...
Here's what we came up with:
-he could be a transvestite
-meant to say, "YOU'RE so wet."
-came in his pants
-still wet from the shower
-sweaty
-spilled something on himself
-he's aqua man
I like to think he's aqua man.
As the night continued as did the sex jokes.
When I went up, I thought it was only necessary to perform my sex song, "Stay Hush." Granted it's not dirty and it emphasizes the beauty and love aspects of sex, but still I got a lot of shouts and hoots on the more "raunchy" phrases. Afterwords I was told to write more sex songs because I'm way too sexy not to.
It was a great night.
I keep fighting out about this boy in my head. Long battle short...I'm vulnerable as hell and even though he says he loves me, I don't believe him. He can do so much better than me. Someone older, prettier, with bigger boobs, more fun, more not-as-crazy. He deserves better than me. Sure, I sound like I'm fishing for compliments, but I'm not. I'm fishing for happiness. If a need to take my hook out of his fish-mouth and set him free then I will.
See everyone likes the bait part. The new scent, scrumptious taste, and delirious satisfaction. But no one likes the hook part. Stuck, committed, floundering. Maybe some, it's a bad analogy for relationships. I don't mind the hook part if you just put me in a fish bowl after instead of eating me. There. A slight amendment to the analogy.
Enough about that. It'll all be okay.
My new philosophy; everything will be okay. We constantly freak out, analyze too much, and complicate stupid, meaningless shit when really if we all just breathe and calm down and take a look at the big picture, we'll realize it'll all be okay. Y
You wanna go the store?
Yes.
Wanna get me a Snickers if I pay you?
Naw.
Okay.
We confuse wants with needs. Also if there are two different wants in the situation, shit just blows up! Well...in my friend group at least.
Yo, I think I'm gonna go home.
Why don't you ever wanna hang out?! Don't you wanna kick it with me? Don't be lame!
I'll kick it with you tomorrow. You're with other people anyways. You'll still ahev fun.
But I want you here!
Well I don't want me here.
And it goes on and on.
Now if we just thought...hey...it'll be okay!
Yo, I think I'm gonna go home.
Why, you all good?
Yea, just not feelin it tonight.
Fasho. Rain check.
Yea, I'll hit you up.
Peace.
Well that was quite ooookay, wouldn't you say?
Location: Media Center
I'm reading about Bukowski and flipping through all of his poems.
http://www.poemhunter.com/charles-bukowski/poems/
All of them are pretty striking, but check this one out:
As The Sparrow
To give life you must take life,
and as our grief falls flat and hollow
upon the billion-blooded sea
I pass upon serious inward-breaking shoals rimmed
with white-legged, white-bellied rotting creatures
lengthily dead and rioting against surrounding scenes.
Dear child, I only did to you what the sparrow
did to you; I am old when it is fashionable to be
young; I cry when it is fashionable to laugh.
I hated you when it would have taken less courage
to love.
Charles Bukowski
huh...
Monday, April 11, 2011
It's Monday, Darling.
Date: April 11th, 2011
Day of Week: Monday
Location: Home
Countdown: 61
This weekend was the best weekend I've had since I went to Presidio. Each tick of the clock was well spent and put me in a great mood for the rest of the week. This may sound cliche...but I'm in love. Everyone has their own definitions of this very complex word; this very complex phenomenon. For me it's when you care about someone so much that you'd risk your happiness for theirs. You'd risk anything you had to to make them smile. And this boy...oh this wonderful boy, I would do anything to make him smile...or have one of those insanely cute giggle fits he has.
You see...I like the way he makes me feel, but I love him for him.
I love how he closes his eyes sometimes before he begins to speak or when he passionately agrees with something. I love when he becomes serious his face reads intelligence and care with every word he speaks. I love how he always looks for the best in people. I could go on and on, but who wants to read that?
Main point in all of this: I saw him this weekend and told him how I felt terrified of his reply. Turns out we're floating in the same boat. Each kiss after our love was declared was intensified to the point where I could faint. BUM buh.
...
...Anyways. It's been a normal Monday. My English class is getting more and more interesting. I'm excited for tomorrow. I get to go to open mic in Berkeley and see...ya know...that one boy.
Love hits you in the kisser when you least expect it.
Day of Week: Monday
Location: Home
Countdown: 61
This weekend was the best weekend I've had since I went to Presidio. Each tick of the clock was well spent and put me in a great mood for the rest of the week. This may sound cliche...but I'm in love. Everyone has their own definitions of this very complex word; this very complex phenomenon. For me it's when you care about someone so much that you'd risk your happiness for theirs. You'd risk anything you had to to make them smile. And this boy...oh this wonderful boy, I would do anything to make him smile...or have one of those insanely cute giggle fits he has.
You see...I like the way he makes me feel, but I love him for him.
I love how he closes his eyes sometimes before he begins to speak or when he passionately agrees with something. I love when he becomes serious his face reads intelligence and care with every word he speaks. I love how he always looks for the best in people. I could go on and on, but who wants to read that?
Main point in all of this: I saw him this weekend and told him how I felt terrified of his reply. Turns out we're floating in the same boat. Each kiss after our love was declared was intensified to the point where I could faint. BUM buh.
...
...Anyways. It's been a normal Monday. My English class is getting more and more interesting. I'm excited for tomorrow. I get to go to open mic in Berkeley and see...ya know...that one boy.
Love hits you in the kisser when you least expect it.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
BUM buh.
Date: April 9th, 2011
Day of Week: Saturday
Location: Home
Countdown: 63
Well...it's Saturday. I woke up at 12pm, ate a bowl of cereal, worked out, recorded songs, washed/dried my clothes, and picked up my room a bit. Ahh...routines. Some would call this a productive day, no?
Why does it all seem so phony to me? Yes, it has to be done. Yes, I need to know how to do most of these things for college. Yes, they're the basic essentials of living on your own. No, they are not fun. No, they do not make me grow as a person.
How can it be so productive to my parents and seem like a fall-back to me?
I don't want to sound like a spoiled brat. I don't wish anyone else to do the work for me.
Maybe I'm thinking about it in the wrong way. Maybe I should try to think of what's beautiful, fun, or funny about it. Hmm...
Waking up - to start a new awesome day!
Eating - to have energy for the awesome new day!
Working out - to be better prepared for what this new awesome day brings me!
Recording songs - I don't mind this at all.
Doing laundry - to keep me warm and protect me (a little) from whatever weather or surroundings this new awesome day brings me! Also the funny sounds the machines make. They kind of sound like they're eating very loudly. It must be really good food. Mmmm, Casey's clothes...yummmmmmmmmmmmMMmmmMMmmMMM!
Picking up my room - ...to make my parents happy and not yell at me more!
There. I guess it's really not so bad after all!
Looking on the bright side is hard to do in the moment sometimes, because you get so tangled in the "details" of that moment and never take a step back to see it for what it is. The battle once again...DEFEATED! But still...it goes on!
I like to think of life like a heartbeat sometimes. Not only does it represent life, but symbolically it's fun to interpret the "pumps" in this way.
So a heart as two beats, correct? Well, a healthy heart at least. You first have the BUM and then the buh. Push and release.
The BUM represents doing the work, getting it done, the action aspects of life.
The buh represents relaxing, looking, perceiving, viewing, interpreting, the thinking aspects of life.
For example. Let's say (totally hypothetical, mind you) you build a house in a day.
You work.(BUM) And once you've finished, you pause and look at this thing of shelter, wonder, and hard work. You take a deep breathe and smile. (buh)
Once you've done the buh part, you are ready once again for the BUM!
But see...people these days tend to skip the buh. Which leads to getting so caught up in your work and completely forgetting about the beauty of life! Look! You just built a house! Instead of worrying how to furnish it and paint it and the DETAILS, just RELAX. Sit down and breathe and enjoy and live and feel and think.
When I was little, after doing something hard for me, I was always told to pat myself on the back. It first I thought it was stupid. Who cares? I did it. It's done. But now I always pat myself on the back.
HEY PEOPLE! YOU ARE NOT CONCEDED FOR TAKING PRIDE IN THE HARD WORK YOU DO! You are simply appreciating yourself! If you can't appreciate yourself, then you can't truly appreciate others. Because others are JUST like you. We are ONE, remember?
Here. I will appreciate myself. Not out because I want to show you, but because I honestly forgot to yesterday.
Hey Casey. Hello me! Good job yesterday! You finished a bunch of government work before the end of the quarter, had a GREAT senior talent show, and had a good lunch with a missed friend. At the showcase, your voice was clear and didn't sound a bit tired at all and you managed to do all songs with only one mistake! Even still, the people laughed at the mistake because you turned the mistake into a funny facial expression! Good job! After that you had a good night with your friends and had a really good nights sleep!
Life is good. Thanks me. I really appreciate it.
Now, if you feel so inclined...pat yourself on the back. Talk to yourself if you want! No ones looking!
BUM...buh.
There's a reason why the buh is lowercase. For the people who can truly appreciate themselves and the world...appreciate the buh as if it were capitalized.
Today I told my parents that on my 18th birthday I would be getting a nose piercing. Immediate yelling filled the room
"Why are you yelling!? What does it matter to you?! It's MY body. I waited 18 years to do something I want to do. 18 years for MY FREEDOM and you STILL want to control me!?" I thought. I SCREAMED inside my head.
"We're not paying for your college!" said my dad.
Out of spite, "Looks like I'm not going to college. Why do you care so much?"
"I don't really." shrugged my dad.
I looked at my mom. Her face distraught.
"Okay mom, why do you care so much?"
"Me? Why do I care? Because it's not right. I think people who get their noses pierced don't do it because they look nice, they do it because they want to say, 'Hey! Look at me! I'm so cool with my nose piercing! Oooo!'" She was yelling by the end of her shpeal.
"Why are you yelling?" I asked.
"I'm not!! This is how I talk!"
"Yea that's how she talks!" my dad agreed.
"Well...whenever I talk like that you tell me to calm down and stop yelling! Sometimes you even walk away from me!" I felt my heart pounding through my chest as I tried my hardest not to raise my voice.
"Okay well. So what?"
Moving on I begin "Well let me say this. It could go the same way for ear piercings! You have your ears pierced! Are you 'so cool' with your ears pierced?"
"No! I actually think it makes me look nicer!"
"Well, I actually think a nose piercing makes me look nicer! How is there a difference? It's preferences!"
"Look, Casey, you can't change my opinion!"
Opinions are meaningless, I thought.
"Mom, I'm not trying to! I'm just telling you why I wa-"
"WHY DO YOU WANT IT?" My dad cuts me off.
"Are you kidding!? I just told you!"
"I know why she wants it! She wants attention! It's all for show! It's all for attention!" my mom mocks me.
"What?!!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?" I feel my chin wrinkle and a warm tear run down my face. I look into my mom's cold, careless eyes searching for a spark of warmth or solace only to be blocked by a wall and drowned.
I don't know why I started to cry. I guess it was mostly that fact that I always tell them three words, "You never listen!"...hoping that they heard me and will start to listen. But as it turns out they didn't even hear that. Or maybe they don't care. They just want to be right. At all times. So they'll lie to themselves about how I'm a spoiled child and all I want is attention...
All I want is to be heard.
I'm proud of myself that I kept my voice down for so long. I'm proud that even though my mom will think less of my and think all I want is attention, I'm still going to get this nose piercing. Not only do I honestly like the way it looks, this hole in my body symbolizes my first act of honest
freedom.
Day of Week: Saturday
Location: Home
Countdown: 63
Well...it's Saturday. I woke up at 12pm, ate a bowl of cereal, worked out, recorded songs, washed/dried my clothes, and picked up my room a bit. Ahh...routines. Some would call this a productive day, no?
Why does it all seem so phony to me? Yes, it has to be done. Yes, I need to know how to do most of these things for college. Yes, they're the basic essentials of living on your own. No, they are not fun. No, they do not make me grow as a person.
How can it be so productive to my parents and seem like a fall-back to me?
I don't want to sound like a spoiled brat. I don't wish anyone else to do the work for me.
Maybe I'm thinking about it in the wrong way. Maybe I should try to think of what's beautiful, fun, or funny about it. Hmm...
Waking up - to start a new awesome day!
Eating - to have energy for the awesome new day!
Working out - to be better prepared for what this new awesome day brings me!
Recording songs - I don't mind this at all.
Doing laundry - to keep me warm and protect me (a little) from whatever weather or surroundings this new awesome day brings me! Also the funny sounds the machines make. They kind of sound like they're eating very loudly. It must be really good food. Mmmm, Casey's clothes...yummmmmmmmmmmmMMmmmMMmmMMM!
Picking up my room - ...to make my parents happy and not yell at me more!
There. I guess it's really not so bad after all!
Looking on the bright side is hard to do in the moment sometimes, because you get so tangled in the "details" of that moment and never take a step back to see it for what it is. The battle once again...DEFEATED! But still...it goes on!
I like to think of life like a heartbeat sometimes. Not only does it represent life, but symbolically it's fun to interpret the "pumps" in this way.
So a heart as two beats, correct? Well, a healthy heart at least. You first have the BUM and then the buh. Push and release.
The BUM represents doing the work, getting it done, the action aspects of life.
The buh represents relaxing, looking, perceiving, viewing, interpreting, the thinking aspects of life.
For example. Let's say (totally hypothetical, mind you) you build a house in a day.
You work.(BUM) And once you've finished, you pause and look at this thing of shelter, wonder, and hard work. You take a deep breathe and smile. (buh)
Once you've done the buh part, you are ready once again for the BUM!
But see...people these days tend to skip the buh. Which leads to getting so caught up in your work and completely forgetting about the beauty of life! Look! You just built a house! Instead of worrying how to furnish it and paint it and the DETAILS, just RELAX. Sit down and breathe and enjoy and live and feel and think.
When I was little, after doing something hard for me, I was always told to pat myself on the back. It first I thought it was stupid. Who cares? I did it. It's done. But now I always pat myself on the back.
HEY PEOPLE! YOU ARE NOT CONCEDED FOR TAKING PRIDE IN THE HARD WORK YOU DO! You are simply appreciating yourself! If you can't appreciate yourself, then you can't truly appreciate others. Because others are JUST like you. We are ONE, remember?
Here. I will appreciate myself. Not out because I want to show you, but because I honestly forgot to yesterday.
Hey Casey. Hello me! Good job yesterday! You finished a bunch of government work before the end of the quarter, had a GREAT senior talent show, and had a good lunch with a missed friend. At the showcase, your voice was clear and didn't sound a bit tired at all and you managed to do all songs with only one mistake! Even still, the people laughed at the mistake because you turned the mistake into a funny facial expression! Good job! After that you had a good night with your friends and had a really good nights sleep!
Life is good. Thanks me. I really appreciate it.
Now, if you feel so inclined...pat yourself on the back. Talk to yourself if you want! No ones looking!
BUM...buh.
There's a reason why the buh is lowercase. For the people who can truly appreciate themselves and the world...appreciate the buh as if it were capitalized.
Today I told my parents that on my 18th birthday I would be getting a nose piercing. Immediate yelling filled the room
"Why are you yelling!? What does it matter to you?! It's MY body. I waited 18 years to do something I want to do. 18 years for MY FREEDOM and you STILL want to control me!?" I thought. I SCREAMED inside my head.
"We're not paying for your college!" said my dad.
Out of spite, "Looks like I'm not going to college. Why do you care so much?"
"I don't really." shrugged my dad.
I looked at my mom. Her face distraught.
"Okay mom, why do you care so much?"
"Me? Why do I care? Because it's not right. I think people who get their noses pierced don't do it because they look nice, they do it because they want to say, 'Hey! Look at me! I'm so cool with my nose piercing! Oooo!'" She was yelling by the end of her shpeal.
"Why are you yelling?" I asked.
"I'm not!! This is how I talk!"
"Yea that's how she talks!" my dad agreed.
"Well...whenever I talk like that you tell me to calm down and stop yelling! Sometimes you even walk away from me!" I felt my heart pounding through my chest as I tried my hardest not to raise my voice.
"Okay well. So what?"
Moving on I begin "Well let me say this. It could go the same way for ear piercings! You have your ears pierced! Are you 'so cool' with your ears pierced?"
"No! I actually think it makes me look nicer!"
"Well, I actually think a nose piercing makes me look nicer! How is there a difference? It's preferences!"
"Look, Casey, you can't change my opinion!"
Opinions are meaningless, I thought.
"Mom, I'm not trying to! I'm just telling you why I wa-"
"WHY DO YOU WANT IT?" My dad cuts me off.
"Are you kidding!? I just told you!"
"I know why she wants it! She wants attention! It's all for show! It's all for attention!" my mom mocks me.
"What?!!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?" I feel my chin wrinkle and a warm tear run down my face. I look into my mom's cold, careless eyes searching for a spark of warmth or solace only to be blocked by a wall and drowned.
I don't know why I started to cry. I guess it was mostly that fact that I always tell them three words, "You never listen!"...hoping that they heard me and will start to listen. But as it turns out they didn't even hear that. Or maybe they don't care. They just want to be right. At all times. So they'll lie to themselves about how I'm a spoiled child and all I want is attention...
All I want is to be heard.
I'm proud of myself that I kept my voice down for so long. I'm proud that even though my mom will think less of my and think all I want is attention, I'm still going to get this nose piercing. Not only do I honestly like the way it looks, this hole in my body symbolizes my first act of honest
freedom.
Yes Please.
*PREVIOUS NOTE! NAMES WERE CHANGED!*
Date: April 8th, 2011
Day of Week: Friday
Location: Home
Countdown: 64
Today was awesome! The senior talent show is over and it turned out to be one of the best ones in awhile! My friend told me it was the best one she's seen during her whole four years of being here. I think it's tied with my freshman year's. The seniors in that show were phenomenal! We had a girl who sounded like the lead singer of Feist do a Skinny Love by Bon Iver. We also had a band called Argyle Sweaters perform. They're kind of like Shwayze except a lot more members. But this year, was still amazing! We had a dance routine choreographed by one of my old elementary school friends. There were 5 dancers total...and that was absolutely...just...wow! Lots of body isolation and they were all in sync with each other! So cool! We also had one of my good friends, Lonica, a pretty (campus) well-known singer perform a Broadway song which was really cool! PLUS we had a Ska band...I mean, c'mon. Doesn't that just scream awesome?
I had lunch with one of my best friends who, I thought, was drifting away from me...slowly but surely. We had a good lunch and she was being really sweet. I was a happy camper!
Now I'm getting ready for the Songwriter's Showcase. I'm in a club at school called Songwriter's Collaboration Projects. It's every Tuesday at lunch and it's a lot of fun! A lot of really cool poets, songwriters, and musicians all accumulate and jam and show songs. It's awesome to see how others work and to work with others. Songs can go from okay to "DAYUMMM!! THEY WROTE THAT?!?" with just a few ideas and minutes. It's pretty awesome.
Date: April 8th, 2011
Day of Week: Friday
Location: Home
Countdown: 64
Today was awesome! The senior talent show is over and it turned out to be one of the best ones in awhile! My friend told me it was the best one she's seen during her whole four years of being here. I think it's tied with my freshman year's. The seniors in that show were phenomenal! We had a girl who sounded like the lead singer of Feist do a Skinny Love by Bon Iver. We also had a band called Argyle Sweaters perform. They're kind of like Shwayze except a lot more members. But this year, was still amazing! We had a dance routine choreographed by one of my old elementary school friends. There were 5 dancers total...and that was absolutely...just...wow! Lots of body isolation and they were all in sync with each other! So cool! We also had one of my good friends, Lonica, a pretty (campus) well-known singer perform a Broadway song which was really cool! PLUS we had a Ska band...I mean, c'mon. Doesn't that just scream awesome?
I had lunch with one of my best friends who, I thought, was drifting away from me...slowly but surely. We had a good lunch and she was being really sweet. I was a happy camper!
Now I'm getting ready for the Songwriter's Showcase. I'm in a club at school called Songwriter's Collaboration Projects. It's every Tuesday at lunch and it's a lot of fun! A lot of really cool poets, songwriters, and musicians all accumulate and jam and show songs. It's awesome to see how others work and to work with others. Songs can go from okay to "DAYUMMM!! THEY WROTE THAT?!?" with just a few ideas and minutes. It's pretty awesome.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
La Vie En Rose
Before I say anything PLEASE go to this website and vote on this video!
http://www.youtube.com/creators?x=nextup_FyU7Gt1Mchk
IF YOU DO, YOU ARE THE BEST PERSON IN THE WORLD AND I WILL GIVE YOU A COOKIE! :)
*PREVIOUS NOTE! NAMES WERE CHANGED!*
Date: April 7th, 2011
Day of the Week: Thursday
Location: Jazz Band
Countdown: 65
It's a block day.
Classes:
2) Jazz Band
3) Gov/Econ
4) FREE
- lunch -
5) English
As the band works on Harlem Nocturne, with every player's mind focusing on the music and tempo, I am off to the side reading "Sophie's World" by Justein Gaarder, simply pondering the world's existence. The world of music and the world of life itself. Two very beautiful things. Two of my favorite things.
I don't like the beginning of Sophie's World so far. It leaps into learning philosophy so abruptly! There's barely any background at all! You always hear people complain about books having a slow start, but man, I don't know if quick starts are much better. I mean, this 14-year-old girl receives packets from an unknown source telling her what philosophy is. Which is cool, but it's just strange to me. Of course, the whole scenario is meant to be strange, but it sort of contradicts itself. Here's this letter, talking about youth and how children are so curious about everything in the world because it's new and amazing and how pure the children are...then it talks about philosophers who also appreciate life and their surroundings, but try to make sense of them as well. It also says that she is still a child, but if she still had an "adolescent" mind, I would think she'd be much more interested in how and who gave her this letter than trying to make sense of what the letter was telling her. Is she supposed to be a combination of a philosopher and a child?
I don't know. I'm getting ahead of myself. I should just let the story unravel. It'll reveal everything in due time...right?
On my way to school today I was listening to Lester Leap In by Count Basie.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ni9fxp5sP1k
It's a pretty old song so the recording quality isn't very good, but I kind of like it that way. It's like spice. It adds flavor. It adds the time-line aspect of it. It's a blast to the past! Of course, I don't know what it was like back then, but I can imagine!
I like to think about living in the 20s, 30s, 40s even. Flapper gals, the Great Depression, World War II,...but the MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC!!! Jazz! The Age of Jazz...all that terrible business going on and they have this explosion of beautiful music to sooth them, dance their worries away, make them smile, give them hope about the future!
I imagine myself living back when Ella Fitzgerald, my favorite jazz signer, made it big. I imagine living in some decaying, old apartment with lights that barely light, uneven floors, broken-in walls, cracked windows, a broken lock, a hard mattress, a sink that spews dirty water...ya know, one of those "I ain't living here for luxury" apartments. But then I imagine, right smack in the middle of the tiny room, a dusty ol' record player singing Ella's version of In a Sentimental Mood. Next Sarah Vaughan's Lullaby of Birdland, Louie Armstrong's La Vie En Rose, The Bird's Embraceable You...beautiful, lively music just completely filling the filthy room with...LIFE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ayb6CFQQ5Ko&feature=BF&list=WL1C6853B6CD8D7318&index=1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8cFdZyWOOs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IJzYAda1wA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3h9dL-yymBA
I imagine art hanging from the walls. Art by local artists, art of my own, art of my lover and friends, art not recognized by the usual passer-byer. All this "stuff" makes this crappy apartment turn into something of beauty! To me, at least. That's all I need. Food, water, shelter, music, art, beauty, and love. Even the unintentional art of the wood floors make me happy! I wonder if that's how people got through it all. Through all the depression and death, simply playing or seeing or hearing something that makes you truly feel alive.
Today was awesome. Everything was normal until fourth period came around.
See, I used to help out the Special Ed class during my free period. Not only do I get more community service, (which I really don't need any more of...i have 500+ hours) but I get to work with really awesome kids! I stopped when things started getting really busy with Mock Congress (a huge Gov project) and the high school Musical. I forgot how much I loved it.
See...these kids aren't just the sweetest angels you will ever meet, but they are just completely amazing!
There is a boy named William, who barely talks, but if ask him what day of the week any random date was (for example I asked June 9th, 1993) he will give you the correct day within 2 seconds. It's amazing. It was a Wednesday by the way.
Then there's Christian, who's this big, African-American guy and he is just FILLED, completely, to the ABSOLUTE BRIM, with expression! He is hilarious to observe and talk to! His facial expressions are priceless and plus he laughs at all my jokes!
Jodie, is super sweet. She loves to strike up conversation and she always has lots of interesting input! She's also a very hard worker. She's in my Drama 3 class and she helps so much with sets, feedback, and just dealing with our crazy drama teacher!
Hazel, who, at times, can get easily confused, is still very smart! When she gets what's going on, she really gets it! I've noticed that simple things make her extremely happy. Simple things such as reading the same book over and over and OVER again, watching princess movies, playing card games, etc... I really enjoy seeing her smile so much!
Diego, a very tall, handsome gentleman is the most easy going person I know. Whatever we're doing in class that day, he is pumped to do it and has no complaints whatsoever! Also if he ever gets an answer to a questions wrong, even if he gets it wrong multiple times, he never gets frustrated...or at least he doesn't show it! He's also amazing at basketball and it's fun to see him play (and win) games with other students at our high school.
Anthony is always following the latest hype! He knows every lyric to tons of songs, EVEN in different languages! I mean, HOLY MOLY, HELLO!?!? Can you say awesome? He always tells me about movies and why he likes them. He never says, "Oh I like this scene. It was nice." He goes into depth. He likes the way the camera was angled on his favorite actors face or how the light in the back was the only light in the whole scene. Just amazing things, no one would ever really notice...except, perhaps, movie critics!!
Thomas is the sweetest boy ever. He ALWAYS says hi to me in the halls which I love and he always wonders about with a pleasant smile on his face. Sometimes it's hard to understand him, but his diction has improved so much, and even if he needs to repeat something several times, he doesn't get mad. Today he asked me if I had forgotten who he was. That made me feel terrible.
All of these kids are such great kids. And I love how I am given the opportunity to bond with them and see how they grow and see how simple things, even barely noticeable things!, can make their day just completely AWESOME. It's interesting that they are so intelligent and yet, some still struggle with reading receipts. It's weird that a simple, everyday task that most people automatically "pick-up" without even thinking about it, is a lesson that is repeated weekly for them. And they love learning about it too...well sometimes.
Man, I've missed that class. I'm going to be going there a whole lot more.
Mr. Bunker thanked me today for coming. He's the teacher, but he also directs shows at a local playhouse. I used to work for him last summer. When he thanked me I simply shrugged and said, "Of course, dude. I love helping out." I didn't think much of his thanks. I just was doing what I like to do; help people. But he pulled me aside and said, "Of course you know, these kids are great! But they do struggle with feeling 'uncool,' different, isolated at this school. And when you come in and hang out with them and talk to them, someone who they find to be totally awesome and 'cool,' they really do love it. They feel like they fit in. And when they look back on their high school years, they will remember you forever and cherish that memory. So really. I thank you for being so awesome with them and giving them a friend. It means the world to them."
Pause.
I thought for a moment. Am I going to look back on this?
My answer, "You know what, Mr. Bunker? I love working with these kids. They open my mind to the simple things in life and the joy it can bring them. Each one of these kids has something completely and solely unique about them that bring out a gorgeous aspect of life. I, too, cherish my moments working with these kids and I, too, will look back on them and smile and be blessed for being with them. I honestly will."
Yea...I know...it got a little mushy. But he accepted my response with great appreciation in his eyes and said, "Now GET! It's lunch!"
We're reading this play in English called "Fences" by August Wilson. If you haven't read it and would like to, don't read any further because I might give a few details away.
So it's about this man, right? Troy Maxson...let me tell you...what a DOUCHE! He mistreats his wife, doesn't even call her by her real name, cheats on her, fucks up his son's one chance of college and being recruited for football, had a "bastard child" with his mistress, brings the damn baby TO his WIFE, and yells at everyone for not appreciating HIM for everything he "GIVES" to them. Well sure we need food and shelter, but shit, it ain't worth it to me if I'M treated like shit and get yelled at for treating King Rat over here like shit! Sheesh. Who does he think he is? Once he told his wife he was cheating on her AND wasn't gonna leave the mistress because she makes him feel good and that he's done everything he can for Rose (his wife), EVERYONE in the room was HOLLERING!
"What a dick!"
"Drown the baby!"
"Asshole!"
"Dayyuummm!"
"Not cool, bro!"
A student threw a book across the room, "FUCK THIS SHIT!" and stormed out!
...alright...maybe not the last one...but you get the point.
Never has a book or character made me so damn angry. That's how you know it's good. When you want to rip the pages out because you have so much anger, but you can't because you have to read more and see if the asshole dies in the end? Yea. Like that.
I'm excited to see where this book ends. I hope Troy dies. I really do. I hope Rose kills him. For how he erode that rock of a woman, he deserves to.
Well...that's too intense of a thing to say...but you get the point...right?
I'm scared. Absolutely terrified. I'm going to be girly and talk about this boy for a paragraph. I like this guy. A lot. I've liked him for almost a year now. And here he is wanting me or acting like it...and here I am...about to go to college. A college in a different state, at that. He knows I'm leaving. He's excited for me. He's been through the whole first year of college craze and often tells me it's awesome and I'll be great at meeting people and I'll have so much fun and yada yada yada. But all I'm thinking is...I'm going to miss you. I don't want to leave...well...that's a lie, but...I want you to come with me. But what kind of person would I be to even ask that? He's got his own life! He's about to make this super awesome documentary about this upcoming skateboarder who travels/skates all around the world!
http://www.youtube.com/creators?x=nextup_FyU7Gt1Mchk (VOTE FOR IT!)
That's going to be amazing! He might be doing most of his traveling during summer. I'm gone for most of summer. I want to go with him during my last free month. Wherever he is, but that's just too much to even ask right now. I question if he even likes me or if he's just lonely and likes the idea of me. I'm scared.
(okay two paragraphs)
You see...Him and I went in this circle. We liked each other, but I was too immature and crazy and messed everything up by things that are too embarrassing to admit publicly. I'm still immature and crazy, but I handle it a lot better now. I'm not as needy and life isn't all about me anymore. Which is good! Great, in my opinion! But since he left me hanging there (though it was clearly understandable why) I fear it'll happen all over again. I would always ask him, "What is this? This thing we have? Are we going out? Working our way up to going out?...WHAT IS THIS?" and the truth was we're in different stages in our lives and it's not socially acceptable for him to go out with me and also...I'm crazy. Back then (which really wasn't too long ago), I just could not understand this. I was like "Whatever, man. Forget about other people! They don't matter! Let's defy gravity! Let's jump off a cliff and live!"...not really, but you know what I mean. It just wasn't okay and he wasn't comfortable with it. Nowadays...we are back to liking each other...I hope I can say "we" truthfully...and I don't know if this circle will go around again. Will it branch off? Is it all that different then last time?
Anyways I'm trying my hardest not to think about WHAT this is so much as to how it IS what it IS and just go with the flow, man. I'm trying to just love what I have for now...and whatever it becomes...so be it! If we were meant to be, it'll happen!...right? I hate not knowing where he comes from. I want to ask, but I don't. I guess I just fear it will be the answer I don't want to hear...and now that I think of it...that doesn't sound right.
(okay three paragraphs...)
The weird thing is...even if he did say, "This means nothing. Peace, yo!" I'd be okay with it. Of course, I want him for myself, but if he doesn't want me and he can find someone who will make him happier, I say go for it, yo! I want him to be happy! I really do and if it means not being with me, then that's fine! It is what it is, right? I make lots of other people happy.....right? OF COURSE I DO! :D
...Anyways...that's my life right now. Those are my meaningless thoughts.
And here's a poem I wrote about my meaningless thoughts:
Can't I live?
In this maze of a world I get lost in the details.
The details of your words, of my words, of my thoughts, of opinions, opinions, OPINIONS.
Opinions. Waves of opinions.
Washed by waves of meaningless nothing.
Screaming desires, wants, lust, illusions.
Illusions so strong you can completely blind yourself and create a whole new phony world.
A world that spins on words. A world that is chained by thoughts. A world that is clouded by ominous opinions.
Details. Mazes. Robotic. Unnatural.
Created by the hands of the natural?
How is this so?
Oh! Can't I live?
Can't I float in the in-between?
Where there is no time, no sensara, no tomorrow, no past, no last, but now!
The in-between of now. Like the glitter on the ocean. It floats. Not delving into the depths of desire. Not rising into the land of lust.
No. It floats.
It appreciates, it breathes, it smiles, it laughs, it shines like light for it is
enlightened.
It sees and feels yet cannot be touched. But it is a thing. An intangible thing. A concept?
Lost again am I. In my own words.
I was taught to make sense out of things.
Programmed.
No more. No more!
I will fly like an eagle above this maze of a world.
Simply soar.
Fly above and kiss the things I love. I love everything.
Everything. For what it is and not who.
You are me. Everything is me. And that is why I love it.
We are ONE.
The perfect, beautiful Om.
And if you listen to the sea glitter, if you listen to a heartbeat, if you listen to a rock, tree, wind, insect, lion, THING...like I listen to the wind beneath my wings...then you will hear too.
The radiant, the beautiful, the perfect
Om. (c)
http://www.youtube.com/creators?x=nextup_FyU7Gt1Mchk
IF YOU DO, YOU ARE THE BEST PERSON IN THE WORLD AND I WILL GIVE YOU A COOKIE! :)
*PREVIOUS NOTE! NAMES WERE CHANGED!*
Date: April 7th, 2011
Day of the Week: Thursday
Location: Jazz Band
Countdown: 65
It's a block day.
Classes:
2) Jazz Band
3) Gov/Econ
4) FREE
- lunch -
5) English
As the band works on Harlem Nocturne, with every player's mind focusing on the music and tempo, I am off to the side reading "Sophie's World" by Justein Gaarder, simply pondering the world's existence. The world of music and the world of life itself. Two very beautiful things. Two of my favorite things.
I don't like the beginning of Sophie's World so far. It leaps into learning philosophy so abruptly! There's barely any background at all! You always hear people complain about books having a slow start, but man, I don't know if quick starts are much better. I mean, this 14-year-old girl receives packets from an unknown source telling her what philosophy is. Which is cool, but it's just strange to me. Of course, the whole scenario is meant to be strange, but it sort of contradicts itself. Here's this letter, talking about youth and how children are so curious about everything in the world because it's new and amazing and how pure the children are...then it talks about philosophers who also appreciate life and their surroundings, but try to make sense of them as well. It also says that she is still a child, but if she still had an "adolescent" mind, I would think she'd be much more interested in how and who gave her this letter than trying to make sense of what the letter was telling her. Is she supposed to be a combination of a philosopher and a child?
I don't know. I'm getting ahead of myself. I should just let the story unravel. It'll reveal everything in due time...right?
On my way to school today I was listening to Lester Leap In by Count Basie.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ni9fxp5sP1k
It's a pretty old song so the recording quality isn't very good, but I kind of like it that way. It's like spice. It adds flavor. It adds the time-line aspect of it. It's a blast to the past! Of course, I don't know what it was like back then, but I can imagine!
I like to think about living in the 20s, 30s, 40s even. Flapper gals, the Great Depression, World War II,...but the MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC!!! Jazz! The Age of Jazz...all that terrible business going on and they have this explosion of beautiful music to sooth them, dance their worries away, make them smile, give them hope about the future!
I imagine myself living back when Ella Fitzgerald, my favorite jazz signer, made it big. I imagine living in some decaying, old apartment with lights that barely light, uneven floors, broken-in walls, cracked windows, a broken lock, a hard mattress, a sink that spews dirty water...ya know, one of those "I ain't living here for luxury" apartments. But then I imagine, right smack in the middle of the tiny room, a dusty ol' record player singing Ella's version of In a Sentimental Mood. Next Sarah Vaughan's Lullaby of Birdland, Louie Armstrong's La Vie En Rose, The Bird's Embraceable You...beautiful, lively music just completely filling the filthy room with...LIFE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ayb6CFQQ5Ko&feature=BF&list=WL1C6853B6CD8D7318&index=1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8cFdZyWOOs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IJzYAda1wA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3h9dL-yymBA
I imagine art hanging from the walls. Art by local artists, art of my own, art of my lover and friends, art not recognized by the usual passer-byer. All this "stuff" makes this crappy apartment turn into something of beauty! To me, at least. That's all I need. Food, water, shelter, music, art, beauty, and love. Even the unintentional art of the wood floors make me happy! I wonder if that's how people got through it all. Through all the depression and death, simply playing or seeing or hearing something that makes you truly feel alive.
Today was awesome. Everything was normal until fourth period came around.
See, I used to help out the Special Ed class during my free period. Not only do I get more community service, (which I really don't need any more of...i have 500+ hours) but I get to work with really awesome kids! I stopped when things started getting really busy with Mock Congress (a huge Gov project) and the high school Musical. I forgot how much I loved it.
See...these kids aren't just the sweetest angels you will ever meet, but they are just completely amazing!
There is a boy named William, who barely talks, but if ask him what day of the week any random date was (for example I asked June 9th, 1993) he will give you the correct day within 2 seconds. It's amazing. It was a Wednesday by the way.
Then there's Christian, who's this big, African-American guy and he is just FILLED, completely, to the ABSOLUTE BRIM, with expression! He is hilarious to observe and talk to! His facial expressions are priceless and plus he laughs at all my jokes!
Jodie, is super sweet. She loves to strike up conversation and she always has lots of interesting input! She's also a very hard worker. She's in my Drama 3 class and she helps so much with sets, feedback, and just dealing with our crazy drama teacher!
Hazel, who, at times, can get easily confused, is still very smart! When she gets what's going on, she really gets it! I've noticed that simple things make her extremely happy. Simple things such as reading the same book over and over and OVER again, watching princess movies, playing card games, etc... I really enjoy seeing her smile so much!
Diego, a very tall, handsome gentleman is the most easy going person I know. Whatever we're doing in class that day, he is pumped to do it and has no complaints whatsoever! Also if he ever gets an answer to a questions wrong, even if he gets it wrong multiple times, he never gets frustrated...or at least he doesn't show it! He's also amazing at basketball and it's fun to see him play (and win) games with other students at our high school.
Anthony is always following the latest hype! He knows every lyric to tons of songs, EVEN in different languages! I mean, HOLY MOLY, HELLO!?!? Can you say awesome? He always tells me about movies and why he likes them. He never says, "Oh I like this scene. It was nice." He goes into depth. He likes the way the camera was angled on his favorite actors face or how the light in the back was the only light in the whole scene. Just amazing things, no one would ever really notice...except, perhaps, movie critics!!
Thomas is the sweetest boy ever. He ALWAYS says hi to me in the halls which I love and he always wonders about with a pleasant smile on his face. Sometimes it's hard to understand him, but his diction has improved so much, and even if he needs to repeat something several times, he doesn't get mad. Today he asked me if I had forgotten who he was. That made me feel terrible.
All of these kids are such great kids. And I love how I am given the opportunity to bond with them and see how they grow and see how simple things, even barely noticeable things!, can make their day just completely AWESOME. It's interesting that they are so intelligent and yet, some still struggle with reading receipts. It's weird that a simple, everyday task that most people automatically "pick-up" without even thinking about it, is a lesson that is repeated weekly for them. And they love learning about it too...well sometimes.
Man, I've missed that class. I'm going to be going there a whole lot more.
Mr. Bunker thanked me today for coming. He's the teacher, but he also directs shows at a local playhouse. I used to work for him last summer. When he thanked me I simply shrugged and said, "Of course, dude. I love helping out." I didn't think much of his thanks. I just was doing what I like to do; help people. But he pulled me aside and said, "Of course you know, these kids are great! But they do struggle with feeling 'uncool,' different, isolated at this school. And when you come in and hang out with them and talk to them, someone who they find to be totally awesome and 'cool,' they really do love it. They feel like they fit in. And when they look back on their high school years, they will remember you forever and cherish that memory. So really. I thank you for being so awesome with them and giving them a friend. It means the world to them."
Pause.
I thought for a moment. Am I going to look back on this?
My answer, "You know what, Mr. Bunker? I love working with these kids. They open my mind to the simple things in life and the joy it can bring them. Each one of these kids has something completely and solely unique about them that bring out a gorgeous aspect of life. I, too, cherish my moments working with these kids and I, too, will look back on them and smile and be blessed for being with them. I honestly will."
Yea...I know...it got a little mushy. But he accepted my response with great appreciation in his eyes and said, "Now GET! It's lunch!"
We're reading this play in English called "Fences" by August Wilson. If you haven't read it and would like to, don't read any further because I might give a few details away.
So it's about this man, right? Troy Maxson...let me tell you...what a DOUCHE! He mistreats his wife, doesn't even call her by her real name, cheats on her, fucks up his son's one chance of college and being recruited for football, had a "bastard child" with his mistress, brings the damn baby TO his WIFE, and yells at everyone for not appreciating HIM for everything he "GIVES" to them. Well sure we need food and shelter, but shit, it ain't worth it to me if I'M treated like shit and get yelled at for treating King Rat over here like shit! Sheesh. Who does he think he is? Once he told his wife he was cheating on her AND wasn't gonna leave the mistress because she makes him feel good and that he's done everything he can for Rose (his wife), EVERYONE in the room was HOLLERING!
"What a dick!"
"Drown the baby!"
"Asshole!"
"Dayyuummm!"
"Not cool, bro!"
A student threw a book across the room, "FUCK THIS SHIT!" and stormed out!
...alright...maybe not the last one...but you get the point.
Never has a book or character made me so damn angry. That's how you know it's good. When you want to rip the pages out because you have so much anger, but you can't because you have to read more and see if the asshole dies in the end? Yea. Like that.
I'm excited to see where this book ends. I hope Troy dies. I really do. I hope Rose kills him. For how he erode that rock of a woman, he deserves to.
Well...that's too intense of a thing to say...but you get the point...right?
I'm scared. Absolutely terrified. I'm going to be girly and talk about this boy for a paragraph. I like this guy. A lot. I've liked him for almost a year now. And here he is wanting me or acting like it...and here I am...about to go to college. A college in a different state, at that. He knows I'm leaving. He's excited for me. He's been through the whole first year of college craze and often tells me it's awesome and I'll be great at meeting people and I'll have so much fun and yada yada yada. But all I'm thinking is...I'm going to miss you. I don't want to leave...well...that's a lie, but...I want you to come with me. But what kind of person would I be to even ask that? He's got his own life! He's about to make this super awesome documentary about this upcoming skateboarder who travels/skates all around the world!
http://www.youtube.com/creators?x=nextup_FyU7Gt1Mchk (VOTE FOR IT!)
That's going to be amazing! He might be doing most of his traveling during summer. I'm gone for most of summer. I want to go with him during my last free month. Wherever he is, but that's just too much to even ask right now. I question if he even likes me or if he's just lonely and likes the idea of me. I'm scared.
(okay two paragraphs)
You see...Him and I went in this circle. We liked each other, but I was too immature and crazy and messed everything up by things that are too embarrassing to admit publicly. I'm still immature and crazy, but I handle it a lot better now. I'm not as needy and life isn't all about me anymore. Which is good! Great, in my opinion! But since he left me hanging there (though it was clearly understandable why) I fear it'll happen all over again. I would always ask him, "What is this? This thing we have? Are we going out? Working our way up to going out?...WHAT IS THIS?" and the truth was we're in different stages in our lives and it's not socially acceptable for him to go out with me and also...I'm crazy. Back then (which really wasn't too long ago), I just could not understand this. I was like "Whatever, man. Forget about other people! They don't matter! Let's defy gravity! Let's jump off a cliff and live!"...not really, but you know what I mean. It just wasn't okay and he wasn't comfortable with it. Nowadays...we are back to liking each other...I hope I can say "we" truthfully...and I don't know if this circle will go around again. Will it branch off? Is it all that different then last time?
Anyways I'm trying my hardest not to think about WHAT this is so much as to how it IS what it IS and just go with the flow, man. I'm trying to just love what I have for now...and whatever it becomes...so be it! If we were meant to be, it'll happen!...right? I hate not knowing where he comes from. I want to ask, but I don't. I guess I just fear it will be the answer I don't want to hear...and now that I think of it...that doesn't sound right.
(okay three paragraphs...)
The weird thing is...even if he did say, "This means nothing. Peace, yo!" I'd be okay with it. Of course, I want him for myself, but if he doesn't want me and he can find someone who will make him happier, I say go for it, yo! I want him to be happy! I really do and if it means not being with me, then that's fine! It is what it is, right? I make lots of other people happy.....right? OF COURSE I DO! :D
...Anyways...that's my life right now. Those are my meaningless thoughts.
And here's a poem I wrote about my meaningless thoughts:
Can't I live?
In this maze of a world I get lost in the details.
The details of your words, of my words, of my thoughts, of opinions, opinions, OPINIONS.
Opinions. Waves of opinions.
Washed by waves of meaningless nothing.
Screaming desires, wants, lust, illusions.
Illusions so strong you can completely blind yourself and create a whole new phony world.
A world that spins on words. A world that is chained by thoughts. A world that is clouded by ominous opinions.
Details. Mazes. Robotic. Unnatural.
Created by the hands of the natural?
How is this so?
Oh! Can't I live?
Can't I float in the in-between?
Where there is no time, no sensara, no tomorrow, no past, no last, but now!
The in-between of now. Like the glitter on the ocean. It floats. Not delving into the depths of desire. Not rising into the land of lust.
No. It floats.
It appreciates, it breathes, it smiles, it laughs, it shines like light for it is
enlightened.
It sees and feels yet cannot be touched. But it is a thing. An intangible thing. A concept?
Lost again am I. In my own words.
I was taught to make sense out of things.
Programmed.
No more. No more!
I will fly like an eagle above this maze of a world.
Simply soar.
Fly above and kiss the things I love. I love everything.
Everything. For what it is and not who.
You are me. Everything is me. And that is why I love it.
We are ONE.
The perfect, beautiful Om.
And if you listen to the sea glitter, if you listen to a heartbeat, if you listen to a rock, tree, wind, insect, lion, THING...like I listen to the wind beneath my wings...then you will hear too.
The radiant, the beautiful, the perfect
Om. (c)
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Its Actual Date...Shit.
*PREVIOUS NOTE! NAMES WERE CHANGED!*
Date: April 6th, 2011
Day of Week: Wednesday
Location: Home, My room
Countdown: 66
I daydream too much. I mean, I love it, but sometimes I feel bad about committing such a terrible mind crime...
Reasons why it's a "mind crime":
- I feel like I'm not appreciating the things around me, the things in the now. I always think about the future, whether it's tomorrow or 30 years from now.
- I feel like I only daydream absolutely impossible things...like winding up with someone and marrying them on an elephant and traveling everywhere with him, then opening a bakery somewhere far, far away with 3 kids running around. Is that weird? It sounds weird to me...and I'm the one imagining it.
Shit.
I just freaked myself out with myself. And you know when someone freaks you out you just wanna walk away and forget about that person/happening? Well I can't do that!
Shit.
Today was good. Nothing special. Nothing terrible. Just good. Most days are like that. I try to do something everyday that makes it stand out from the rest, but since I try to do that everyday...it just feels them same everyday. I now understand why people tell me to calm down a lot.
Let's see what happened today. Well...my Chem teacher, Ms.W, was back today. She's awesome and she knows it. She's a great teacher and a great person. She's super understanding, but still influences doing the right thing. Great mom. Mom of 6 kids or something...
We didn't do much in that class. Just a practice CST test that counts as extra credit or something. I know I don't have to take the CST as a senior, (THANK BAJEEBLES!) but she kept repeating "It doesn't HURT your grade." So...therefore it can only make it better. I don't know what exactly she is going to do with it, but I ended up doing it anyway. That's what I'm trying to say. Well...half did it. I answered about 40 questions and then filled in whatever bubble looked appealing for the next 50. I don't really need extra credit in that class. I already have an A. I'm good at math science. I had an A all last year in Physics as well...112% as I recall. Heyooo!
Anyways...
It's a block day.
Classes:
1) Chem
3) Gov/Econ
4) FREEDOM, SON!
- lunch -
6) Drama 3
Government/Economy was alright. Ms. G is an awesome Jewish ball of hippie perky-ness. Which is all code word for the best human being in the world. Nah, but she's close.
We're working on buying stocks and bonds and mutual funds and whatnot. It surprised me to see that no one else was as concerned with WHAT they invested in. Meaning whether it had good social responsibility or if it was good for the environment or whatever you like. All they wanted was money, money, money! That shit ain't funny. When I was in my high school's production of Peter Pan I remember a techy telling me, "Money is the source of all problems." HOLLA! But whatchya gonna do about it? Let me answer that for you.
Nada.
So baddabing baddaboom. It remains. Case closed.
I invested my fake 10,000 dollars in EEI, PAGG, ABB, AMAT, and UTX. All doing fairly well and all with outstanding benefits to our environment, communities, and some even are charitable to the arts! Well done, I'd say. Alright...so...Econ was econ. Moving on...
During my free period, I typed up my first days writing which took a lot longer then I thought it would. I ended up staying there all throughout lunch and a little bit of period six. BUT I have an excuse! Rodney, one of my guy-friends since middle school, came and distracted me! We were sitting next to each other at the computers in the media center and he showed me how to get on facebook through some tunnel site. Plus we'd strike up conversation every 5 minutes. It was nice, though. Robert's one of those chill dudes. The kind where you can just talk to him and he's totally interested and entertained by what you're saying, you don't need to go out of your way to make any jokes or talk in a funky accent. Although I love doing that, it's nice to not do it sometimes. He's a good friend.
Sixth period isn't really even worth talking about. I didn't do anything. I sat there and watched my friends paint their nails and refused a million times for my nails to be painted a stunning hot-pink.
After school I went straight to Senior Talent show rehearsal. It was fast and easy. I'm singing one of my most "might-become-a-hit" songs, Hey Julien. I feel pretty comfortable with that song. I've played a million times at Open Mics and auditions for college. I played it for my Lewis and Clark audition, in fact! And that turned out rather beautifully! Dream school, here I come!
Our talent show is going to be great. We have tons of amazingly talented students. Great dancers, singers, (ska) bands, even magicians!! GAHH! It's so exciting to think about their futures and where they might end up!
After the rehearsal I came home and worked out with my personal trainer, Margo. She's awesome as well. I can do 3 different work out routines that get me sore and tire me out all in my home, thanks to her! I mostly wanted training for my 2 week backpacking trip at Trinity Alps, but she's really just getting my in shape for anything and I am most certainly not complaining! It's awesome!
Today she taught me a new ab routine and then we worked on the iron gym bar.
http://www.irongym.com/Default.asp?tcode=pi8&tag=google&gclid=CIuriabNiagCFQ10gwodQlAuDQ&bhcp=1
Yea...some of that shit. Ya know, some "reverse pull-ups" (where you jump up and hold yourself in pull-up position without swaying. Hold til "failure" and sloooowwwlyyyy release down...as slow as possible.) I had to do that ten times. My biceps hurt. Not only that, but push-ups after; both tricep and bicep. Damn. I'm gonna be ripped. Is it bad to be happy about how good I'm going to look? I hope not 'cause I am one happy camper. As Ron Burgundy once shouted, "HEY EVERYONE! COME SEE HOW GOOD I LOOK!"
I guess it's not all about the looks. I feel great too. She taught me how to eat better. Not only did I learn how to cook, but it actually tastes awesome and keeps me full and energized too. I feel like an advertisement.
Am I convincing?
Is it weird that when I think of advertisements I automatically think of either two things:
A) a carney yelling "Step right up! Step right up here, folks, and see the lady with a beard!!"
B) the billboard with for the optometrist in The Great Gatsby.
? Nah. I'm normal.
So let's see...out of that list yesterday, what ACTUALLY got done?...
- Finish filling out Lewis and Clark Packet: Success
- Give a blank CD to Brittany so her mom can burn pics from "Urinetown the Musical" so I can give it back to my mom and she can pee her pants with joy once received...: Success
- Try not texting the boy I like: Fail (BUT HE TEXTED FIRST, SO HA!)
- Homework/Extra Credit: N/A
- Begin to plan Summer Road Trip: Fail (but working on it tonight)
- Senior Talent Show Rehearsal 3-5pm: Success
- Ballet from 5-6:30pm: Success
- Work out with Hannah: Success (if walking on the beach for an hour counts)
- Take a sleeping pill at 8pm so I can actually sleep: Success (it was 9pm, but still!)
- Breathe: N/A ...just kidding. of course, SUCCESS!
Well go me!...for the most part.
I really need to plan this road trip.
I am the planner in my group. The one who isn't afraid to ask the questions, boss people around, and get it together. Sometimes it works out nicely, but other times it's a pain in the ass...to be blunt. I don't mind it that much, but when people depend on you to make it happen and you refuse...people start throwing barrels of monkey shit and banana peels in your face. Not really. But it feels like that sometimes.
I feel too much.
Anyways. Road trip.
http://www.mallory-sonalert.com/6_1.asp
Here's a map of the U.S. and Canada.
Here's the plan:
Start in CALIFORNIA > Nevada > Arizona > Utah > Colorado > New Mexico > Texas > Oklahoma > Kansas > Nebraska > South Dakota > North Dakota > Minnesota > Wisconsin > Iowa > Illinois > Missouri > Arkansas > Louisiana > Mississippi > Alabama > Florida > Georgia > Tennessee > Kentucky > Indiana > Michigan > Ohio > West Virginia > Virginia > Maryland > Delaware > New Jersey > Pennsylvania > New York > Connecticut > Rhode Island > Massachusetts > New Hampshire > Vermont > Maine | CANADA... Quebec > Ontario > Manitoba > Saskatchewen > Alberta > British Columbia | U.S... Washington > Montana > Wyoming > Idaho > Oregon > CALIFORNIA.
That hits every state. Minus North and South Carolina, but who cares about them? They freak me out. I went there when I was little...well I only went to Charleston in South Carolina, but still. There were tons of graveyards. Creepy vibes lurked every corner. And GHOSTS! Lots and lots of ghosts.
http://www.batterycarriagehouse.com/ghosts.htm
Now if you got any Carolina in you...don't come near me with yo ghost vibes! AY!
I don't know how I'm going to do all this. Gas. Food. Transportation. Timing. Shit. Shit. Shit. SHIT!
Date: April 6th, 2011
Day of Week: Wednesday
Location: Home, My room
Countdown: 66
I daydream too much. I mean, I love it, but sometimes I feel bad about committing such a terrible mind crime...
Reasons why it's a "mind crime":
- I feel like I'm not appreciating the things around me, the things in the now. I always think about the future, whether it's tomorrow or 30 years from now.
- I feel like I only daydream absolutely impossible things...like winding up with someone and marrying them on an elephant and traveling everywhere with him, then opening a bakery somewhere far, far away with 3 kids running around. Is that weird? It sounds weird to me...and I'm the one imagining it.
Shit.
I just freaked myself out with myself. And you know when someone freaks you out you just wanna walk away and forget about that person/happening? Well I can't do that!
Shit.
Today was good. Nothing special. Nothing terrible. Just good. Most days are like that. I try to do something everyday that makes it stand out from the rest, but since I try to do that everyday...it just feels them same everyday. I now understand why people tell me to calm down a lot.
Let's see what happened today. Well...my Chem teacher, Ms.W, was back today. She's awesome and she knows it. She's a great teacher and a great person. She's super understanding, but still influences doing the right thing. Great mom. Mom of 6 kids or something...
We didn't do much in that class. Just a practice CST test that counts as extra credit or something. I know I don't have to take the CST as a senior, (THANK BAJEEBLES!) but she kept repeating "It doesn't HURT your grade." So...therefore it can only make it better. I don't know what exactly she is going to do with it, but I ended up doing it anyway. That's what I'm trying to say. Well...half did it. I answered about 40 questions and then filled in whatever bubble looked appealing for the next 50. I don't really need extra credit in that class. I already have an A. I'm good at math science. I had an A all last year in Physics as well...112% as I recall. Heyooo!
Anyways...
It's a block day.
Classes:
1) Chem
3) Gov/Econ
4) FREEDOM, SON!
- lunch -
6) Drama 3
Government/Economy was alright. Ms. G is an awesome Jewish ball of hippie perky-ness. Which is all code word for the best human being in the world. Nah, but she's close.
We're working on buying stocks and bonds and mutual funds and whatnot. It surprised me to see that no one else was as concerned with WHAT they invested in. Meaning whether it had good social responsibility or if it was good for the environment or whatever you like. All they wanted was money, money, money! That shit ain't funny. When I was in my high school's production of Peter Pan I remember a techy telling me, "Money is the source of all problems." HOLLA! But whatchya gonna do about it? Let me answer that for you.
Nada.
So baddabing baddaboom. It remains. Case closed.
I invested my fake 10,000 dollars in EEI, PAGG, ABB, AMAT, and UTX. All doing fairly well and all with outstanding benefits to our environment, communities, and some even are charitable to the arts! Well done, I'd say. Alright...so...Econ was econ. Moving on...
During my free period, I typed up my first days writing which took a lot longer then I thought it would. I ended up staying there all throughout lunch and a little bit of period six. BUT I have an excuse! Rodney, one of my guy-friends since middle school, came and distracted me! We were sitting next to each other at the computers in the media center and he showed me how to get on facebook through some tunnel site. Plus we'd strike up conversation every 5 minutes. It was nice, though. Robert's one of those chill dudes. The kind where you can just talk to him and he's totally interested and entertained by what you're saying, you don't need to go out of your way to make any jokes or talk in a funky accent. Although I love doing that, it's nice to not do it sometimes. He's a good friend.
Sixth period isn't really even worth talking about. I didn't do anything. I sat there and watched my friends paint their nails and refused a million times for my nails to be painted a stunning hot-pink.
After school I went straight to Senior Talent show rehearsal. It was fast and easy. I'm singing one of my most "might-become-a-hit" songs, Hey Julien. I feel pretty comfortable with that song. I've played a million times at Open Mics and auditions for college. I played it for my Lewis and Clark audition, in fact! And that turned out rather beautifully! Dream school, here I come!
Our talent show is going to be great. We have tons of amazingly talented students. Great dancers, singers, (ska) bands, even magicians!! GAHH! It's so exciting to think about their futures and where they might end up!
After the rehearsal I came home and worked out with my personal trainer, Margo. She's awesome as well. I can do 3 different work out routines that get me sore and tire me out all in my home, thanks to her! I mostly wanted training for my 2 week backpacking trip at Trinity Alps, but she's really just getting my in shape for anything and I am most certainly not complaining! It's awesome!
Today she taught me a new ab routine and then we worked on the iron gym bar.
http://www.irongym.com/Default.asp?tcode=pi8&tag=google&gclid=CIuriabNiagCFQ10gwodQlAuDQ&bhcp=1
Yea...some of that shit. Ya know, some "reverse pull-ups" (where you jump up and hold yourself in pull-up position without swaying. Hold til "failure" and sloooowwwlyyyy release down...as slow as possible.) I had to do that ten times. My biceps hurt. Not only that, but push-ups after; both tricep and bicep. Damn. I'm gonna be ripped. Is it bad to be happy about how good I'm going to look? I hope not 'cause I am one happy camper. As Ron Burgundy once shouted, "HEY EVERYONE! COME SEE HOW GOOD I LOOK!"
I guess it's not all about the looks. I feel great too. She taught me how to eat better. Not only did I learn how to cook, but it actually tastes awesome and keeps me full and energized too. I feel like an advertisement.
Am I convincing?
Is it weird that when I think of advertisements I automatically think of either two things:
A) a carney yelling "Step right up! Step right up here, folks, and see the lady with a beard!!"
B) the billboard with for the optometrist in The Great Gatsby.
? Nah. I'm normal.
So let's see...out of that list yesterday, what ACTUALLY got done?...
- Finish filling out Lewis and Clark Packet: Success
- Give a blank CD to Brittany so her mom can burn pics from "Urinetown the Musical" so I can give it back to my mom and she can pee her pants with joy once received...: Success
- Try not texting the boy I like: Fail (BUT HE TEXTED FIRST, SO HA!)
- Homework/Extra Credit: N/A
- Begin to plan Summer Road Trip: Fail (but working on it tonight)
- Senior Talent Show Rehearsal 3-5pm: Success
- Ballet from 5-6:30pm: Success
- Work out with Hannah: Success (if walking on the beach for an hour counts)
- Take a sleeping pill at 8pm so I can actually sleep: Success (it was 9pm, but still!)
- Breathe: N/A ...just kidding. of course, SUCCESS!
Well go me!...for the most part.
I really need to plan this road trip.
I am the planner in my group. The one who isn't afraid to ask the questions, boss people around, and get it together. Sometimes it works out nicely, but other times it's a pain in the ass...to be blunt. I don't mind it that much, but when people depend on you to make it happen and you refuse...people start throwing barrels of monkey shit and banana peels in your face. Not really. But it feels like that sometimes.
I feel too much.
Anyways. Road trip.
http://www.mallory-sonalert.com/6_1.asp
Here's a map of the U.S. and Canada.
Here's the plan:
Start in CALIFORNIA > Nevada > Arizona > Utah > Colorado > New Mexico > Texas > Oklahoma > Kansas > Nebraska > South Dakota > North Dakota > Minnesota > Wisconsin > Iowa > Illinois > Missouri > Arkansas > Louisiana > Mississippi > Alabama > Florida > Georgia > Tennessee > Kentucky > Indiana > Michigan > Ohio > West Virginia > Virginia > Maryland > Delaware > New Jersey > Pennsylvania > New York > Connecticut > Rhode Island > Massachusetts > New Hampshire > Vermont > Maine | CANADA... Quebec > Ontario > Manitoba > Saskatchewen > Alberta > British Columbia | U.S... Washington > Montana > Wyoming > Idaho > Oregon > CALIFORNIA.
That hits every state. Minus North and South Carolina, but who cares about them? They freak me out. I went there when I was little...well I only went to Charleston in South Carolina, but still. There were tons of graveyards. Creepy vibes lurked every corner. And GHOSTS! Lots and lots of ghosts.
http://www.batterycarriagehouse.com/ghosts.htm
Now if you got any Carolina in you...don't come near me with yo ghost vibes! AY!
I don't know how I'm going to do all this. Gas. Food. Transportation. Timing. Shit. Shit. Shit. SHIT!
"Do it"
*PREVIOUS NOTE! NAMES WERE CHANGED!*
Date: April 5th, 2011
Day of week: Tuesday
Location: Chemistry Class, Ms. W's Room
It is merely my first period of the day and I already have a headache and a will to go home. Granted I only got 3 hours of sleep last night, but that's beside the point. Today we have a sub in Chem. He is tall, young, brunette, and pretty attractive. You'd think he'd be a cool dude, but...he's kind of
a dick.
He seems like one of those guys who's been teased their whole life so when he "teaches" a class he's sees it more as an opportunity to control a set of kids. That may sound harsh, but he even yelled at 3 kids to "not act like jackasses."
"Just not today," he said.
I mean, sure, they were being a wee little bit obnoxious, but they weren't bothering anybody. I mean, they're immature little 15 and 16 year olds...what do you expect?
I'm trying to think of reasons that could be causing him to be so rude...he did say "Just not today," right? Maybe he's hungover...didn't get enought sleep...sexual tension?...I don't know. Maybe he's just being a jerk to be a jerk. Maybe "Just not today" is everyday. Or every-not-day. I hope not. As a senior getting ready for college, getting ready for adulthood...I observe young adults as examples...he's not a very ideal rolemodel. He has a job. He's young and attractive. But he's...
a dick.
Oh well...
Things I HAVE to Remember to DO Today (but probably won't):
- Finish filling out Lewis and Clark Packet
- Give a blank CD to Blaine so her mom can burn pics from "Urinetown the Musical" so I can give it back to my mom and she can pee her pants with joy once received...
- Try not texting the boy I like
- Homework/Extra Credit
- Begin to plan Summer Road Trip
- Senior Talent Show Rehearsal 3-5pm
- Ballet from 5-6:30pm
- Work out with Hannah
- Take a sleeping pill at 8pm so I can actually sleep.
- Breathe.
Things to AVOID:
- Procrastinating anything on the list above.
Location: Jazz Band
Cool. Got that out of the way.
I love being in Jazz Band. I instantly feel cooler as soon as I enter the room; like I should be wearing a tight black dress with black boots and a fedora over a head of crazy curly hair and red lipstick and big sunglasses. Completely mask myself and sing out the emotions that talented artists with different stories intended their lyrics to be sung. Yea...like that. It's a good feeling.
Justin Rand is a cool dude. He used to be my musical theater teacher for sophomore and junior year, but due to budget cuts and the Terminator governor douche-face, that class got cut. But it's all good in the hood, I guess. Now I have Jazz Band.
22 students total, including me. 2 pianists, 2 drummers/percussionists, 5 saxes, 1 clarinet, 3 trombones, 2 bassists, 3 guitarists, 4 trumpets, and one signer...me. :)
Sometimes I feel weird in the class. I sing well, but my knowledge of music theory compared to everyone else...is like a baby being amused my making spit bubbles, but not realizing it's spit. Weird analogy...make sense of it how you will. I want to learn music theory, I really do. I guess I'm just waiting for college. I know I shouldn't wait, but I already got in to Lewis and Clark and am majoring in music. Also I feel like if I add one more thing to that list of things to do I'll end up doing the one thing to avoid. Yea...I'll just wait.
It's Tuesday. It's a block day.
Classes:
1) Chem
2) Jazz Band
5) English
- lunch -
6) Drama 3
Normal Classes:
1) Chem
2) Jazz Band
3) Gov/Econ
4) FREE, NADA, NOTHING
- lunch -
5) English
6) Drama 3
I'm not looking forward to English. Mr.Teston is cool and nice and all, but he's not a very good teacher. Whenever we analyze literature he rejects kids' ideas and says, "No...I don't think it's like that. It's like this..."
Student: "Why can't it mean what I think it should mean?"
Him: "Ehhhh....'Cause it's wrong."
Silence.
I think he might just be shooting down the ideas because he's going to be testing it and it needs to be a uniform idea for the correct answer. Yea...That's probably it. Still...I feel like we should think of it the way we want to. But there's no point in arguing, but this doesn't mean I believe what he does it all that awesome.
I don't believe a lot of things...I don't believe IN a lot of things.
Things I don't believe...
I don't believe words.
When words leave from brain to mouth (the passage of thought to idea, statement, question, opinion, etc...), they are lost. The initial thought probably wasn't properly explained to the full capacity the thinker intended it to be. Also the listener is blessed with the task of interpreting their words, most likely interpreting them wrong.
For instance, when I say or you read, "That's cool, dude."
What voice did you hear in your head?
Ask another person.
Both take turns saying it aloud how you read it.
Were they the same?
If they were, HOLY MOLY!, this person is your soulmate and you should take them out for a nice seafood dinner, dance under the stars, and race back to wherever you feel comfortable eloping because you ain't gon' find no one like dis one ya got right here. Just kidding. Don't do that...unless you want to.
Anyways words are never what fully grasp a meaning, person, any thing really...
I feel like actions, gestures, the life lived by the person really shows you who they really are. But I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together?
Should I like a person for WHAT they are? A living, comprehending, thinking, breathing, thing made of billions of cells. Or should I like them for who they are...or who they claim to be?
Simplicity vs. Details
The battle of life. Well for me at least. People get lost in the maze of the world like words get lost in the maze of the mind, the details. But like the excellent, beautiful, just completely awesome book, Siddhartha by Herman Hesse, taught me...when the details do not concern you anymore and you love things for WHAT they are today and you realize you are one with them, then you live in the simplest of lives, in peace, in admiration, in love, in beauty, in perfection...in Nirvana. Lucky you!
I often imagine a colorful bird soaring above the world. And when this bird looks down at the world it sees past the illusion of a maze, it sees it's beauty. And while this bird never dives into the maze, it descends to kiss the things it loves. Sometimes when I meditate or when I am truly happy, I imagine I am this bird. This bird with colorful, long wings and a bright orange beak, and piercing eyes that see more than what is in front of it. It sees multiple faces, faces of animals, insects, humans. It sees each individual blade of grass, stone crevice, smile, tear. It sees all life forms dead or alive. Everything that's real. And it sees it all as one. One whole thing. All with one whole sound. Om...
It depresses me to think I may never reach this "Nirvana." For someone who is pretty fearless, lots of fears arrive with this thought of perfection. Probably because the society I live in programmed me to think something is wrong with me and constantly gives me updates and reminders that I'll never be perfect or reach perfection. But I guess this is a different perfection...
I fear being alone mostly. But one in Nirvana wouldn't be bothered by this for they know they are not alone. They never are. Nature surrounds them, things surround them, beauty surrounds them. The Buddha always has company.
I find it weird that I know all this, but I can't apply it...or I don't know how. Sometimes I feel like I do, but it's only temporary. It's like every time I do, I have to reprogram myself and battle against everyone and everything I've ever known. I guess that's why I think I would feel alone...or maybe it's I would feel sorry. Sorry they didn't live in utter bliss and I'd want to console them, but in order to do that I'd have to come back down?
It is so easy to get lost in details.
It is so hard to reverse "maturity."
Maturity: what we are expected to do since we pop out of our mama's womb.
Mama's Maturity: being able to take care of yourself. have a good job. be consistent.
My Maturity: the skill of patience.
Date: April 5th, 2011
Day of week: Tuesday
Location: Chemistry Class, Ms. W's Room
It is merely my first period of the day and I already have a headache and a will to go home. Granted I only got 3 hours of sleep last night, but that's beside the point. Today we have a sub in Chem. He is tall, young, brunette, and pretty attractive. You'd think he'd be a cool dude, but...he's kind of
a dick.
He seems like one of those guys who's been teased their whole life so when he "teaches" a class he's sees it more as an opportunity to control a set of kids. That may sound harsh, but he even yelled at 3 kids to "not act like jackasses."
"Just not today," he said.
I mean, sure, they were being a wee little bit obnoxious, but they weren't bothering anybody. I mean, they're immature little 15 and 16 year olds...what do you expect?
I'm trying to think of reasons that could be causing him to be so rude...he did say "Just not today," right? Maybe he's hungover...didn't get enought sleep...sexual tension?...I don't know. Maybe he's just being a jerk to be a jerk. Maybe "Just not today" is everyday. Or every-not-day. I hope not. As a senior getting ready for college, getting ready for adulthood...I observe young adults as examples...he's not a very ideal rolemodel. He has a job. He's young and attractive. But he's...
a dick.
Oh well...
Things I HAVE to Remember to DO Today (but probably won't):
- Finish filling out Lewis and Clark Packet
- Give a blank CD to Blaine so her mom can burn pics from "Urinetown the Musical" so I can give it back to my mom and she can pee her pants with joy once received...
- Try not texting the boy I like
- Homework/Extra Credit
- Begin to plan Summer Road Trip
- Senior Talent Show Rehearsal 3-5pm
- Ballet from 5-6:30pm
- Work out with Hannah
- Take a sleeping pill at 8pm so I can actually sleep.
- Breathe.
Things to AVOID:
- Procrastinating anything on the list above.
Location: Jazz Band
Cool. Got that out of the way.
I love being in Jazz Band. I instantly feel cooler as soon as I enter the room; like I should be wearing a tight black dress with black boots and a fedora over a head of crazy curly hair and red lipstick and big sunglasses. Completely mask myself and sing out the emotions that talented artists with different stories intended their lyrics to be sung. Yea...like that. It's a good feeling.
Justin Rand is a cool dude. He used to be my musical theater teacher for sophomore and junior year, but due to budget cuts and the Terminator governor douche-face, that class got cut. But it's all good in the hood, I guess. Now I have Jazz Band.
22 students total, including me. 2 pianists, 2 drummers/percussionists, 5 saxes, 1 clarinet, 3 trombones, 2 bassists, 3 guitarists, 4 trumpets, and one signer...me. :)
Sometimes I feel weird in the class. I sing well, but my knowledge of music theory compared to everyone else...is like a baby being amused my making spit bubbles, but not realizing it's spit. Weird analogy...make sense of it how you will. I want to learn music theory, I really do. I guess I'm just waiting for college. I know I shouldn't wait, but I already got in to Lewis and Clark and am majoring in music. Also I feel like if I add one more thing to that list of things to do I'll end up doing the one thing to avoid. Yea...I'll just wait.
It's Tuesday. It's a block day.
Classes:
1) Chem
2) Jazz Band
5) English
- lunch -
6) Drama 3
Normal Classes:
1) Chem
2) Jazz Band
3) Gov/Econ
4) FREE, NADA, NOTHING
- lunch -
5) English
6) Drama 3
I'm not looking forward to English. Mr.Teston is cool and nice and all, but he's not a very good teacher. Whenever we analyze literature he rejects kids' ideas and says, "No...I don't think it's like that. It's like this..."
Student: "Why can't it mean what I think it should mean?"
Him: "Ehhhh....'Cause it's wrong."
Silence.
I think he might just be shooting down the ideas because he's going to be testing it and it needs to be a uniform idea for the correct answer. Yea...That's probably it. Still...I feel like we should think of it the way we want to. But there's no point in arguing, but this doesn't mean I believe what he does it all that awesome.
I don't believe a lot of things...I don't believe IN a lot of things.
Things I don't believe...
I don't believe words.
When words leave from brain to mouth (the passage of thought to idea, statement, question, opinion, etc...), they are lost. The initial thought probably wasn't properly explained to the full capacity the thinker intended it to be. Also the listener is blessed with the task of interpreting their words, most likely interpreting them wrong.
For instance, when I say or you read, "That's cool, dude."
What voice did you hear in your head?
Ask another person.
Both take turns saying it aloud how you read it.
Were they the same?
If they were, HOLY MOLY!, this person is your soulmate and you should take them out for a nice seafood dinner, dance under the stars, and race back to wherever you feel comfortable eloping because you ain't gon' find no one like dis one ya got right here. Just kidding. Don't do that...unless you want to.
Anyways words are never what fully grasp a meaning, person, any thing really...
I feel like actions, gestures, the life lived by the person really shows you who they really are. But I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together?
Should I like a person for WHAT they are? A living, comprehending, thinking, breathing, thing made of billions of cells. Or should I like them for who they are...or who they claim to be?
Simplicity vs. Details
The battle of life. Well for me at least. People get lost in the maze of the world like words get lost in the maze of the mind, the details. But like the excellent, beautiful, just completely awesome book, Siddhartha by Herman Hesse, taught me...when the details do not concern you anymore and you love things for WHAT they are today and you realize you are one with them, then you live in the simplest of lives, in peace, in admiration, in love, in beauty, in perfection...in Nirvana. Lucky you!
I often imagine a colorful bird soaring above the world. And when this bird looks down at the world it sees past the illusion of a maze, it sees it's beauty. And while this bird never dives into the maze, it descends to kiss the things it loves. Sometimes when I meditate or when I am truly happy, I imagine I am this bird. This bird with colorful, long wings and a bright orange beak, and piercing eyes that see more than what is in front of it. It sees multiple faces, faces of animals, insects, humans. It sees each individual blade of grass, stone crevice, smile, tear. It sees all life forms dead or alive. Everything that's real. And it sees it all as one. One whole thing. All with one whole sound. Om...
It depresses me to think I may never reach this "Nirvana." For someone who is pretty fearless, lots of fears arrive with this thought of perfection. Probably because the society I live in programmed me to think something is wrong with me and constantly gives me updates and reminders that I'll never be perfect or reach perfection. But I guess this is a different perfection...
I fear being alone mostly. But one in Nirvana wouldn't be bothered by this for they know they are not alone. They never are. Nature surrounds them, things surround them, beauty surrounds them. The Buddha always has company.
I find it weird that I know all this, but I can't apply it...or I don't know how. Sometimes I feel like I do, but it's only temporary. It's like every time I do, I have to reprogram myself and battle against everyone and everything I've ever known. I guess that's why I think I would feel alone...or maybe it's I would feel sorry. Sorry they didn't live in utter bliss and I'd want to console them, but in order to do that I'd have to come back down?
It is so easy to get lost in details.
It is so hard to reverse "maturity."
Maturity: what we are expected to do since we pop out of our mama's womb.
Mama's Maturity: being able to take care of yourself. have a good job. be consistent.
My Maturity: the skill of patience.
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