*PREVIOUS NOTE! NAMES WERE CHANGED!*
Date: April 6th, 2011
Day of Week: Wednesday
Location: Home, My room
Countdown: 66
I daydream too much. I mean, I love it, but sometimes I feel bad about committing such a terrible mind crime...
Reasons why it's a "mind crime":
- I feel like I'm not appreciating the things around me, the things in the now. I always think about the future, whether it's tomorrow or 30 years from now.
- I feel like I only daydream absolutely impossible things...like winding up with someone and marrying them on an elephant and traveling everywhere with him, then opening a bakery somewhere far, far away with 3 kids running around. Is that weird? It sounds weird to me...and I'm the one imagining it.
Shit.
I just freaked myself out with myself. And you know when someone freaks you out you just wanna walk away and forget about that person/happening? Well I can't do that!
Shit.
Today was good. Nothing special. Nothing terrible. Just good. Most days are like that. I try to do something everyday that makes it stand out from the rest, but since I try to do that everyday...it just feels them same everyday. I now understand why people tell me to calm down a lot.
Let's see what happened today. Well...my Chem teacher, Ms.W, was back today. She's awesome and she knows it. She's a great teacher and a great person. She's super understanding, but still influences doing the right thing. Great mom. Mom of 6 kids or something...
We didn't do much in that class. Just a practice CST test that counts as extra credit or something. I know I don't have to take the CST as a senior, (THANK BAJEEBLES!) but she kept repeating "It doesn't HURT your grade." So...therefore it can only make it better. I don't know what exactly she is going to do with it, but I ended up doing it anyway. That's what I'm trying to say. Well...half did it. I answered about 40 questions and then filled in whatever bubble looked appealing for the next 50. I don't really need extra credit in that class. I already have an A. I'm good at math science. I had an A all last year in Physics as well...112% as I recall. Heyooo!
Anyways...
It's a block day.
Classes:
1) Chem
3) Gov/Econ
4) FREEDOM, SON!
- lunch -
6) Drama 3
Government/Economy was alright. Ms. G is an awesome Jewish ball of hippie perky-ness. Which is all code word for the best human being in the world. Nah, but she's close.
We're working on buying stocks and bonds and mutual funds and whatnot. It surprised me to see that no one else was as concerned with WHAT they invested in. Meaning whether it had good social responsibility or if it was good for the environment or whatever you like. All they wanted was money, money, money! That shit ain't funny. When I was in my high school's production of Peter Pan I remember a techy telling me, "Money is the source of all problems." HOLLA! But whatchya gonna do about it? Let me answer that for you.
Nada.
So baddabing baddaboom. It remains. Case closed.
I invested my fake 10,000 dollars in EEI, PAGG, ABB, AMAT, and UTX. All doing fairly well and all with outstanding benefits to our environment, communities, and some even are charitable to the arts! Well done, I'd say. Alright...so...Econ was econ. Moving on...
During my free period, I typed up my first days writing which took a lot longer then I thought it would. I ended up staying there all throughout lunch and a little bit of period six. BUT I have an excuse! Rodney, one of my guy-friends since middle school, came and distracted me! We were sitting next to each other at the computers in the media center and he showed me how to get on facebook through some tunnel site. Plus we'd strike up conversation every 5 minutes. It was nice, though. Robert's one of those chill dudes. The kind where you can just talk to him and he's totally interested and entertained by what you're saying, you don't need to go out of your way to make any jokes or talk in a funky accent. Although I love doing that, it's nice to not do it sometimes. He's a good friend.
Sixth period isn't really even worth talking about. I didn't do anything. I sat there and watched my friends paint their nails and refused a million times for my nails to be painted a stunning hot-pink.
After school I went straight to Senior Talent show rehearsal. It was fast and easy. I'm singing one of my most "might-become-a-hit" songs, Hey Julien. I feel pretty comfortable with that song. I've played a million times at Open Mics and auditions for college. I played it for my Lewis and Clark audition, in fact! And that turned out rather beautifully! Dream school, here I come!
Our talent show is going to be great. We have tons of amazingly talented students. Great dancers, singers, (ska) bands, even magicians!! GAHH! It's so exciting to think about their futures and where they might end up!
After the rehearsal I came home and worked out with my personal trainer, Margo. She's awesome as well. I can do 3 different work out routines that get me sore and tire me out all in my home, thanks to her! I mostly wanted training for my 2 week backpacking trip at Trinity Alps, but she's really just getting my in shape for anything and I am most certainly not complaining! It's awesome!
Today she taught me a new ab routine and then we worked on the iron gym bar.
http://www.irongym.com/Default.asp?tcode=pi8&tag=google&gclid=CIuriabNiagCFQ10gwodQlAuDQ&bhcp=1
Yea...some of that shit. Ya know, some "reverse pull-ups" (where you jump up and hold yourself in pull-up position without swaying. Hold til "failure" and sloooowwwlyyyy release down...as slow as possible.) I had to do that ten times. My biceps hurt. Not only that, but push-ups after; both tricep and bicep. Damn. I'm gonna be ripped. Is it bad to be happy about how good I'm going to look? I hope not 'cause I am one happy camper. As Ron Burgundy once shouted, "HEY EVERYONE! COME SEE HOW GOOD I LOOK!"
I guess it's not all about the looks. I feel great too. She taught me how to eat better. Not only did I learn how to cook, but it actually tastes awesome and keeps me full and energized too. I feel like an advertisement.
Am I convincing?
Is it weird that when I think of advertisements I automatically think of either two things:
A) a carney yelling "Step right up! Step right up here, folks, and see the lady with a beard!!"
B) the billboard with for the optometrist in The Great Gatsby.
? Nah. I'm normal.
So let's see...out of that list yesterday, what ACTUALLY got done?...
- Finish filling out Lewis and Clark Packet: Success
- Give a blank CD to Brittany so her mom can burn pics from "Urinetown the Musical" so I can give it back to my mom and she can pee her pants with joy once received...: Success
- Try not texting the boy I like: Fail (BUT HE TEXTED FIRST, SO HA!)
- Homework/Extra Credit: N/A
- Begin to plan Summer Road Trip: Fail (but working on it tonight)
- Senior Talent Show Rehearsal 3-5pm: Success
- Ballet from 5-6:30pm: Success
- Work out with Hannah: Success (if walking on the beach for an hour counts)
- Take a sleeping pill at 8pm so I can actually sleep: Success (it was 9pm, but still!)
- Breathe: N/A ...just kidding. of course, SUCCESS!
Well go me!...for the most part.
I really need to plan this road trip.
I am the planner in my group. The one who isn't afraid to ask the questions, boss people around, and get it together. Sometimes it works out nicely, but other times it's a pain in the ass...to be blunt. I don't mind it that much, but when people depend on you to make it happen and you refuse...people start throwing barrels of monkey shit and banana peels in your face. Not really. But it feels like that sometimes.
I feel too much.
Anyways. Road trip.
http://www.mallory-sonalert.com/6_1.asp
Here's a map of the U.S. and Canada.
Here's the plan:
Start in CALIFORNIA > Nevada > Arizona > Utah > Colorado > New Mexico > Texas > Oklahoma > Kansas > Nebraska > South Dakota > North Dakota > Minnesota > Wisconsin > Iowa > Illinois > Missouri > Arkansas > Louisiana > Mississippi > Alabama > Florida > Georgia > Tennessee > Kentucky > Indiana > Michigan > Ohio > West Virginia > Virginia > Maryland > Delaware > New Jersey > Pennsylvania > New York > Connecticut > Rhode Island > Massachusetts > New Hampshire > Vermont > Maine | CANADA... Quebec > Ontario > Manitoba > Saskatchewen > Alberta > British Columbia | U.S... Washington > Montana > Wyoming > Idaho > Oregon > CALIFORNIA.
That hits every state. Minus North and South Carolina, but who cares about them? They freak me out. I went there when I was little...well I only went to Charleston in South Carolina, but still. There were tons of graveyards. Creepy vibes lurked every corner. And GHOSTS! Lots and lots of ghosts.
http://www.batterycarriagehouse.com/ghosts.htm
Now if you got any Carolina in you...don't come near me with yo ghost vibes! AY!
I don't know how I'm going to do all this. Gas. Food. Transportation. Timing. Shit. Shit. Shit. SHIT!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
"Do it"
*PREVIOUS NOTE! NAMES WERE CHANGED!*
Date: April 5th, 2011
Day of week: Tuesday
Location: Chemistry Class, Ms. W's Room
It is merely my first period of the day and I already have a headache and a will to go home. Granted I only got 3 hours of sleep last night, but that's beside the point. Today we have a sub in Chem. He is tall, young, brunette, and pretty attractive. You'd think he'd be a cool dude, but...he's kind of
a dick.
He seems like one of those guys who's been teased their whole life so when he "teaches" a class he's sees it more as an opportunity to control a set of kids. That may sound harsh, but he even yelled at 3 kids to "not act like jackasses."
"Just not today," he said.
I mean, sure, they were being a wee little bit obnoxious, but they weren't bothering anybody. I mean, they're immature little 15 and 16 year olds...what do you expect?
I'm trying to think of reasons that could be causing him to be so rude...he did say "Just not today," right? Maybe he's hungover...didn't get enought sleep...sexual tension?...I don't know. Maybe he's just being a jerk to be a jerk. Maybe "Just not today" is everyday. Or every-not-day. I hope not. As a senior getting ready for college, getting ready for adulthood...I observe young adults as examples...he's not a very ideal rolemodel. He has a job. He's young and attractive. But he's...
a dick.
Oh well...
Things I HAVE to Remember to DO Today (but probably won't):
- Finish filling out Lewis and Clark Packet
- Give a blank CD to Blaine so her mom can burn pics from "Urinetown the Musical" so I can give it back to my mom and she can pee her pants with joy once received...
- Try not texting the boy I like
- Homework/Extra Credit
- Begin to plan Summer Road Trip
- Senior Talent Show Rehearsal 3-5pm
- Ballet from 5-6:30pm
- Work out with Hannah
- Take a sleeping pill at 8pm so I can actually sleep.
- Breathe.
Things to AVOID:
- Procrastinating anything on the list above.
Location: Jazz Band
Cool. Got that out of the way.
I love being in Jazz Band. I instantly feel cooler as soon as I enter the room; like I should be wearing a tight black dress with black boots and a fedora over a head of crazy curly hair and red lipstick and big sunglasses. Completely mask myself and sing out the emotions that talented artists with different stories intended their lyrics to be sung. Yea...like that. It's a good feeling.
Justin Rand is a cool dude. He used to be my musical theater teacher for sophomore and junior year, but due to budget cuts and the Terminator governor douche-face, that class got cut. But it's all good in the hood, I guess. Now I have Jazz Band.
22 students total, including me. 2 pianists, 2 drummers/percussionists, 5 saxes, 1 clarinet, 3 trombones, 2 bassists, 3 guitarists, 4 trumpets, and one signer...me. :)
Sometimes I feel weird in the class. I sing well, but my knowledge of music theory compared to everyone else...is like a baby being amused my making spit bubbles, but not realizing it's spit. Weird analogy...make sense of it how you will. I want to learn music theory, I really do. I guess I'm just waiting for college. I know I shouldn't wait, but I already got in to Lewis and Clark and am majoring in music. Also I feel like if I add one more thing to that list of things to do I'll end up doing the one thing to avoid. Yea...I'll just wait.
It's Tuesday. It's a block day.
Classes:
1) Chem
2) Jazz Band
5) English
- lunch -
6) Drama 3
Normal Classes:
1) Chem
2) Jazz Band
3) Gov/Econ
4) FREE, NADA, NOTHING
- lunch -
5) English
6) Drama 3
I'm not looking forward to English. Mr.Teston is cool and nice and all, but he's not a very good teacher. Whenever we analyze literature he rejects kids' ideas and says, "No...I don't think it's like that. It's like this..."
Student: "Why can't it mean what I think it should mean?"
Him: "Ehhhh....'Cause it's wrong."
Silence.
I think he might just be shooting down the ideas because he's going to be testing it and it needs to be a uniform idea for the correct answer. Yea...That's probably it. Still...I feel like we should think of it the way we want to. But there's no point in arguing, but this doesn't mean I believe what he does it all that awesome.
I don't believe a lot of things...I don't believe IN a lot of things.
Things I don't believe...
I don't believe words.
When words leave from brain to mouth (the passage of thought to idea, statement, question, opinion, etc...), they are lost. The initial thought probably wasn't properly explained to the full capacity the thinker intended it to be. Also the listener is blessed with the task of interpreting their words, most likely interpreting them wrong.
For instance, when I say or you read, "That's cool, dude."
What voice did you hear in your head?
Ask another person.
Both take turns saying it aloud how you read it.
Were they the same?
If they were, HOLY MOLY!, this person is your soulmate and you should take them out for a nice seafood dinner, dance under the stars, and race back to wherever you feel comfortable eloping because you ain't gon' find no one like dis one ya got right here. Just kidding. Don't do that...unless you want to.
Anyways words are never what fully grasp a meaning, person, any thing really...
I feel like actions, gestures, the life lived by the person really shows you who they really are. But I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together?
Should I like a person for WHAT they are? A living, comprehending, thinking, breathing, thing made of billions of cells. Or should I like them for who they are...or who they claim to be?
Simplicity vs. Details
The battle of life. Well for me at least. People get lost in the maze of the world like words get lost in the maze of the mind, the details. But like the excellent, beautiful, just completely awesome book, Siddhartha by Herman Hesse, taught me...when the details do not concern you anymore and you love things for WHAT they are today and you realize you are one with them, then you live in the simplest of lives, in peace, in admiration, in love, in beauty, in perfection...in Nirvana. Lucky you!
I often imagine a colorful bird soaring above the world. And when this bird looks down at the world it sees past the illusion of a maze, it sees it's beauty. And while this bird never dives into the maze, it descends to kiss the things it loves. Sometimes when I meditate or when I am truly happy, I imagine I am this bird. This bird with colorful, long wings and a bright orange beak, and piercing eyes that see more than what is in front of it. It sees multiple faces, faces of animals, insects, humans. It sees each individual blade of grass, stone crevice, smile, tear. It sees all life forms dead or alive. Everything that's real. And it sees it all as one. One whole thing. All with one whole sound. Om...
It depresses me to think I may never reach this "Nirvana." For someone who is pretty fearless, lots of fears arrive with this thought of perfection. Probably because the society I live in programmed me to think something is wrong with me and constantly gives me updates and reminders that I'll never be perfect or reach perfection. But I guess this is a different perfection...
I fear being alone mostly. But one in Nirvana wouldn't be bothered by this for they know they are not alone. They never are. Nature surrounds them, things surround them, beauty surrounds them. The Buddha always has company.
I find it weird that I know all this, but I can't apply it...or I don't know how. Sometimes I feel like I do, but it's only temporary. It's like every time I do, I have to reprogram myself and battle against everyone and everything I've ever known. I guess that's why I think I would feel alone...or maybe it's I would feel sorry. Sorry they didn't live in utter bliss and I'd want to console them, but in order to do that I'd have to come back down?
It is so easy to get lost in details.
It is so hard to reverse "maturity."
Maturity: what we are expected to do since we pop out of our mama's womb.
Mama's Maturity: being able to take care of yourself. have a good job. be consistent.
My Maturity: the skill of patience.
Date: April 5th, 2011
Day of week: Tuesday
Location: Chemistry Class, Ms. W's Room
It is merely my first period of the day and I already have a headache and a will to go home. Granted I only got 3 hours of sleep last night, but that's beside the point. Today we have a sub in Chem. He is tall, young, brunette, and pretty attractive. You'd think he'd be a cool dude, but...he's kind of
a dick.
He seems like one of those guys who's been teased their whole life so when he "teaches" a class he's sees it more as an opportunity to control a set of kids. That may sound harsh, but he even yelled at 3 kids to "not act like jackasses."
"Just not today," he said.
I mean, sure, they were being a wee little bit obnoxious, but they weren't bothering anybody. I mean, they're immature little 15 and 16 year olds...what do you expect?
I'm trying to think of reasons that could be causing him to be so rude...he did say "Just not today," right? Maybe he's hungover...didn't get enought sleep...sexual tension?...I don't know. Maybe he's just being a jerk to be a jerk. Maybe "Just not today" is everyday. Or every-not-day. I hope not. As a senior getting ready for college, getting ready for adulthood...I observe young adults as examples...he's not a very ideal rolemodel. He has a job. He's young and attractive. But he's...
a dick.
Oh well...
Things I HAVE to Remember to DO Today (but probably won't):
- Finish filling out Lewis and Clark Packet
- Give a blank CD to Blaine so her mom can burn pics from "Urinetown the Musical" so I can give it back to my mom and she can pee her pants with joy once received...
- Try not texting the boy I like
- Homework/Extra Credit
- Begin to plan Summer Road Trip
- Senior Talent Show Rehearsal 3-5pm
- Ballet from 5-6:30pm
- Work out with Hannah
- Take a sleeping pill at 8pm so I can actually sleep.
- Breathe.
Things to AVOID:
- Procrastinating anything on the list above.
Location: Jazz Band
Cool. Got that out of the way.
I love being in Jazz Band. I instantly feel cooler as soon as I enter the room; like I should be wearing a tight black dress with black boots and a fedora over a head of crazy curly hair and red lipstick and big sunglasses. Completely mask myself and sing out the emotions that talented artists with different stories intended their lyrics to be sung. Yea...like that. It's a good feeling.
Justin Rand is a cool dude. He used to be my musical theater teacher for sophomore and junior year, but due to budget cuts and the Terminator governor douche-face, that class got cut. But it's all good in the hood, I guess. Now I have Jazz Band.
22 students total, including me. 2 pianists, 2 drummers/percussionists, 5 saxes, 1 clarinet, 3 trombones, 2 bassists, 3 guitarists, 4 trumpets, and one signer...me. :)
Sometimes I feel weird in the class. I sing well, but my knowledge of music theory compared to everyone else...is like a baby being amused my making spit bubbles, but not realizing it's spit. Weird analogy...make sense of it how you will. I want to learn music theory, I really do. I guess I'm just waiting for college. I know I shouldn't wait, but I already got in to Lewis and Clark and am majoring in music. Also I feel like if I add one more thing to that list of things to do I'll end up doing the one thing to avoid. Yea...I'll just wait.
It's Tuesday. It's a block day.
Classes:
1) Chem
2) Jazz Band
5) English
- lunch -
6) Drama 3
Normal Classes:
1) Chem
2) Jazz Band
3) Gov/Econ
4) FREE, NADA, NOTHING
- lunch -
5) English
6) Drama 3
I'm not looking forward to English. Mr.Teston is cool and nice and all, but he's not a very good teacher. Whenever we analyze literature he rejects kids' ideas and says, "No...I don't think it's like that. It's like this..."
Student: "Why can't it mean what I think it should mean?"
Him: "Ehhhh....'Cause it's wrong."
Silence.
I think he might just be shooting down the ideas because he's going to be testing it and it needs to be a uniform idea for the correct answer. Yea...That's probably it. Still...I feel like we should think of it the way we want to. But there's no point in arguing, but this doesn't mean I believe what he does it all that awesome.
I don't believe a lot of things...I don't believe IN a lot of things.
Things I don't believe...
I don't believe words.
When words leave from brain to mouth (the passage of thought to idea, statement, question, opinion, etc...), they are lost. The initial thought probably wasn't properly explained to the full capacity the thinker intended it to be. Also the listener is blessed with the task of interpreting their words, most likely interpreting them wrong.
For instance, when I say or you read, "That's cool, dude."
What voice did you hear in your head?
Ask another person.
Both take turns saying it aloud how you read it.
Were they the same?
If they were, HOLY MOLY!, this person is your soulmate and you should take them out for a nice seafood dinner, dance under the stars, and race back to wherever you feel comfortable eloping because you ain't gon' find no one like dis one ya got right here. Just kidding. Don't do that...unless you want to.
Anyways words are never what fully grasp a meaning, person, any thing really...
I feel like actions, gestures, the life lived by the person really shows you who they really are. But I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together?
Should I like a person for WHAT they are? A living, comprehending, thinking, breathing, thing made of billions of cells. Or should I like them for who they are...or who they claim to be?
Simplicity vs. Details
The battle of life. Well for me at least. People get lost in the maze of the world like words get lost in the maze of the mind, the details. But like the excellent, beautiful, just completely awesome book, Siddhartha by Herman Hesse, taught me...when the details do not concern you anymore and you love things for WHAT they are today and you realize you are one with them, then you live in the simplest of lives, in peace, in admiration, in love, in beauty, in perfection...in Nirvana. Lucky you!
I often imagine a colorful bird soaring above the world. And when this bird looks down at the world it sees past the illusion of a maze, it sees it's beauty. And while this bird never dives into the maze, it descends to kiss the things it loves. Sometimes when I meditate or when I am truly happy, I imagine I am this bird. This bird with colorful, long wings and a bright orange beak, and piercing eyes that see more than what is in front of it. It sees multiple faces, faces of animals, insects, humans. It sees each individual blade of grass, stone crevice, smile, tear. It sees all life forms dead or alive. Everything that's real. And it sees it all as one. One whole thing. All with one whole sound. Om...
It depresses me to think I may never reach this "Nirvana." For someone who is pretty fearless, lots of fears arrive with this thought of perfection. Probably because the society I live in programmed me to think something is wrong with me and constantly gives me updates and reminders that I'll never be perfect or reach perfection. But I guess this is a different perfection...
I fear being alone mostly. But one in Nirvana wouldn't be bothered by this for they know they are not alone. They never are. Nature surrounds them, things surround them, beauty surrounds them. The Buddha always has company.
I find it weird that I know all this, but I can't apply it...or I don't know how. Sometimes I feel like I do, but it's only temporary. It's like every time I do, I have to reprogram myself and battle against everyone and everything I've ever known. I guess that's why I think I would feel alone...or maybe it's I would feel sorry. Sorry they didn't live in utter bliss and I'd want to console them, but in order to do that I'd have to come back down?
It is so easy to get lost in details.
It is so hard to reverse "maturity."
Maturity: what we are expected to do since we pop out of our mama's womb.
Mama's Maturity: being able to take care of yourself. have a good job. be consistent.
My Maturity: the skill of patience.
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