I love writing songs. I know I suck at guitar and that's fine...I do it because it's fun. Someone commented on my Channel 4 months ago and I just read the comment today. It said "Really talented,Great songs.Hope you make it in the music industry.You have things to say,and we love what you wrote.Cement walls: very touching.Go out there."
That was the first person anyone has ever actually slightly talked about my lyrics. Is it weird that I don't care that I have a good voice or the melody part that much in a song? I really put a lot of effort in the words and I feel like more and more people just drown out the words of tunes. But I love lyrics. It's poetry! I mean, YES, OF COURSE, I love the whole music part as well, but...people have things to say!
I think that is why I don't really try to memorize songs. I just like listening to them. I guess I feel like I'm being talked to...which is quite handy when I'm alone.
Anyways I feel lame for saying this, but I wish people would comment more on my lyrics...I don't know if they're good or bad or whatever. What good is a voice that doesn't have anything to say?
I don't know. I appreciate and love singing gibberish too, but it's different if you're a singer/SONGWRITER...for me at least.
Darn. I guess it doesn't matter.
I like my words.
But I keep forgetting words are meaningless.
DARN!
Life is hard. Just because of this one argument I am having in my head...I have decided life is hard.
BUT EFFORT! I GET AN A+ FOR EFFORT!
...right?
Friday, April 22, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Neutral
Date: April 18th, 2011
Day of Week: Monday
Location: Media Center
Countdown: 53
Today, I feel as though my mind is at peace. I haven't been thinking much about anything except for the work I'm doing in school which is pretty unusual. Usually my mind races a mile a minute. I think about 500 different ideas in a time span of 60 seconds. But today, my mind is blank.
Maybe it's because I'm tired. Maybe I'm drained from writing a six minute song last night. Whatever it is, I like it.
I don't really feel any emotions. If someone were to punch me in the face right now and run away, I probably wouldn't do anything about it. It's not me being lazy...I guess I just don't care. I'm not depressed...I'm not exactly happy. I guess the way I'd describe how I feel is neutral.
That sounds about right.
I'm looking forward to sleeping in this week. I don't have to go to school until 11:45pm because the underclassmen are testing in the morning. PLUS there's no school on Friday or next Monday. Pretty awesome.
Things to do:
-Work out today
-Ballet & Starry Plough on Tuesday
-4/20 Cypress Hill Concert on Wednesday
-Thursday...?
-NO ESCUELA! Music lesson and jazz gig Friday
I'm neutrally excited. :)
Day of Week: Monday
Location: Media Center
Countdown: 53
Today, I feel as though my mind is at peace. I haven't been thinking much about anything except for the work I'm doing in school which is pretty unusual. Usually my mind races a mile a minute. I think about 500 different ideas in a time span of 60 seconds. But today, my mind is blank.
Maybe it's because I'm tired. Maybe I'm drained from writing a six minute song last night. Whatever it is, I like it.
I don't really feel any emotions. If someone were to punch me in the face right now and run away, I probably wouldn't do anything about it. It's not me being lazy...I guess I just don't care. I'm not depressed...I'm not exactly happy. I guess the way I'd describe how I feel is neutral.
That sounds about right.
I'm looking forward to sleeping in this week. I don't have to go to school until 11:45pm because the underclassmen are testing in the morning. PLUS there's no school on Friday or next Monday. Pretty awesome.
Things to do:
-Work out today
-Ballet & Starry Plough on Tuesday
-4/20 Cypress Hill Concert on Wednesday
-Thursday...?
-NO ESCUELA! Music lesson and jazz gig Friday
I'm neutrally excited. :)
Thursday, April 14, 2011
The world is my couch...right?
Date: April 14, 2011
Day of Week: Thursday
Location: Media Center
Countdown: 58
My family keeps telling me to be careful of what I say on this public blog. I didn't think it was that big of a deal. The things I talk about people can relate to. I don't try to give out too much information about myself or anything. Everything I say I'm completely okay with people knowing about. I wouldn't say it if it were any other way. So what if a college sees this blog? I mean, can we really just go through life ignoring the authenticity of it?
This is who I am. This is a part of me. (Not the blog, but the act of expressing my thoughts) Why would you want to think of me as something I'm not? Let me be blunt here.
Teens are curious.
Curious about: sex, drugs, rock and roll, trying new things, activities, fashion, superficial items, beauty, nature, music...everything.
The only difference between teens and kids is that teens are closer to becoming adults and they have more knowledge of life. Including the "bad things" like drugs, sex?, money, drama, drama, DRAMA.
I don't know why so many adults think it's so terrible teens are interested in sex. HEY! EVERYONE! I DON'T KNOW IF YOU TOOK BIOLOGY, BUT IT'S NATURAL!! During the teen years and throughout the 20s our bodies are like dogs in heat. We are animals. We are horny animals. That may seems blunt and crude, but it is true. Yea, sure, we're too young. Too young to do exactly what our body is telling us to do because we made some "sex moral"; you have to be old enough for natural things to occur. I'm not saying I want everyone to just "do the do." I believe, in the beauty of making love, one has to be responsible. In this society we've created we mustn't be having babies everywhere! Which is fine! Yes, I am okay with that! Responsibility to me mostly comes with protection and trust in your partner. For me, sex also comes with love or at least a strong liking. But for others, love is just a "bonus," if you will.
I don't see why it's so wrong to talk about the things I do. I feel like it's so normal!
"It's public. It doesn't need to be public for the world to see."
WHY NOT? Do you really care? Do you really care what I have to say? If you don't want to read it, DON'T READ IT. But don't tell me to not type it. Books are public! People write autobiographies and memoirs ALL THE TIME! I don't see people complaining about those!
There are tons talking about how when they were teens they were addicted to crack and having sexual relations whores, but it's okay because they're an adult now and they've changed.
Well I'm NOT talking about crack OR having sexual relations with whores. I'm talking about the beauties and struggles in life and I'M getting ragged on!
Get outta here, yo!
Okay...I'm getting to ranty/angry, but...just...GAHHHHH!
Maybe I am too comfortable. Maybe I don't know when to stop. Maybe I'm an example of our moral values decaying. I'm sorry.
Or maybe I'm just different from you. I view the world as my comfy couch sometimes. You may view it differently. I accept you and expect nothing from you, but to be you.
So I ask you...can I be me without judgment as well?
Day of Week: Thursday
Location: Media Center
Countdown: 58
My family keeps telling me to be careful of what I say on this public blog. I didn't think it was that big of a deal. The things I talk about people can relate to. I don't try to give out too much information about myself or anything. Everything I say I'm completely okay with people knowing about. I wouldn't say it if it were any other way. So what if a college sees this blog? I mean, can we really just go through life ignoring the authenticity of it?
This is who I am. This is a part of me. (Not the blog, but the act of expressing my thoughts) Why would you want to think of me as something I'm not? Let me be blunt here.
Teens are curious.
Curious about: sex, drugs, rock and roll, trying new things, activities, fashion, superficial items, beauty, nature, music...everything.
The only difference between teens and kids is that teens are closer to becoming adults and they have more knowledge of life. Including the "bad things" like drugs, sex?, money, drama, drama, DRAMA.
I don't know why so many adults think it's so terrible teens are interested in sex. HEY! EVERYONE! I DON'T KNOW IF YOU TOOK BIOLOGY, BUT IT'S NATURAL!! During the teen years and throughout the 20s our bodies are like dogs in heat. We are animals. We are horny animals. That may seems blunt and crude, but it is true. Yea, sure, we're too young. Too young to do exactly what our body is telling us to do because we made some "sex moral"; you have to be old enough for natural things to occur. I'm not saying I want everyone to just "do the do." I believe, in the beauty of making love, one has to be responsible. In this society we've created we mustn't be having babies everywhere! Which is fine! Yes, I am okay with that! Responsibility to me mostly comes with protection and trust in your partner. For me, sex also comes with love or at least a strong liking. But for others, love is just a "bonus," if you will.
I don't see why it's so wrong to talk about the things I do. I feel like it's so normal!
"It's public. It doesn't need to be public for the world to see."
WHY NOT? Do you really care? Do you really care what I have to say? If you don't want to read it, DON'T READ IT. But don't tell me to not type it. Books are public! People write autobiographies and memoirs ALL THE TIME! I don't see people complaining about those!
There are tons talking about how when they were teens they were addicted to crack and having sexual relations whores, but it's okay because they're an adult now and they've changed.
Well I'm NOT talking about crack OR having sexual relations with whores. I'm talking about the beauties and struggles in life and I'M getting ragged on!
Get outta here, yo!
Okay...I'm getting to ranty/angry, but...just...GAHHHHH!
Maybe I am too comfortable. Maybe I don't know when to stop. Maybe I'm an example of our moral values decaying. I'm sorry.
Or maybe I'm just different from you. I view the world as my comfy couch sometimes. You may view it differently. I accept you and expect nothing from you, but to be you.
So I ask you...can I be me without judgment as well?
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Bukowski.
*PREVIOUS NOTE! NAMES WERE CHANGED!*
Date: April 13th, 2011
Day of Week: Wednesday
Location: Chem
Countdown: 59
I went to the Starry Plough in Berkeley last night and it was awesome! So many amazing people and familiar faces (from the last time I went)! Tim and I arrived late and had to go last, yet again, but we didn't mind. It's always a pleasure to stay and watch such talented and passionate musicians. Plus I won a free drink! Holla!
Forrest Day, a phenomenal artist/band was there again last night. They were there when I went a couple of weeks ago. I love their music. He's playing at the Great American Theater in San Francisco if you'd like to see their amazing-ness for yourself.
There was a man from Alabama who was absolutely great! Silky-voiced, sexy-ish, R&B-like music that made my whole body tingle. Oh yea. He's that good. I bought 2 CDs from him for ten bucks. One for me and one my friend, Melaney, who I owe a lot of "burn-outs" to. I don't really smoke anymore so I repay her with random gifts. She was genuinely happy I bought it for her. Melaney is awesome. We're Geminis and yea, sure, it's lame, but it's awesome to us. We bond over our similar reactions and thoughts and when she thanks me, I always know she really means it. Gemini's don't say thanks a lot. They expect a lot of things, which isn't a good thing and I am working on it, but whenever you go out of your way to please them, they are truly grateful.
Anyways...back to the Starry Plough.
Sex seemed to be a reoccurring theme of the night. There was a contest for a Free Drink and you had to either have the best joke or best terrible sex story. It was hilarious. The girl who won had the most terrible/funny sex story a person could probably ever have. She was getting it on with her new boyfriend and he flips her over to begin doggie style and all of the sudden he goes flaccid. She turns around and ask what's up and watches him pull out a long strand of toilet paper from her butt cheeks! "Apparently I use a lot of toilet paper when I 'freshen up'!"
Another girl came close to winning as well. She's about to have sex for the first time with this guy she's been dating for awhile. So they're making out on the couch and things are about to move to the next level and then...he whispers in her ear, "I'm sooo wet."
...Interpret that however you like.
Tim and I were discussing the possible reasons why that man would say such a confusing thing. She never really explained it...
Here's what we came up with:
-he could be a transvestite
-meant to say, "YOU'RE so wet."
-came in his pants
-still wet from the shower
-sweaty
-spilled something on himself
-he's aqua man
I like to think he's aqua man.
As the night continued as did the sex jokes.
When I went up, I thought it was only necessary to perform my sex song, "Stay Hush." Granted it's not dirty and it emphasizes the beauty and love aspects of sex, but still I got a lot of shouts and hoots on the more "raunchy" phrases. Afterwords I was told to write more sex songs because I'm way too sexy not to.
It was a great night.
I keep fighting out about this boy in my head. Long battle short...I'm vulnerable as hell and even though he says he loves me, I don't believe him. He can do so much better than me. Someone older, prettier, with bigger boobs, more fun, more not-as-crazy. He deserves better than me. Sure, I sound like I'm fishing for compliments, but I'm not. I'm fishing for happiness. If a need to take my hook out of his fish-mouth and set him free then I will.
See everyone likes the bait part. The new scent, scrumptious taste, and delirious satisfaction. But no one likes the hook part. Stuck, committed, floundering. Maybe some, it's a bad analogy for relationships. I don't mind the hook part if you just put me in a fish bowl after instead of eating me. There. A slight amendment to the analogy.
Enough about that. It'll all be okay.
My new philosophy; everything will be okay. We constantly freak out, analyze too much, and complicate stupid, meaningless shit when really if we all just breathe and calm down and take a look at the big picture, we'll realize it'll all be okay. Y
You wanna go the store?
Yes.
Wanna get me a Snickers if I pay you?
Naw.
Okay.
We confuse wants with needs. Also if there are two different wants in the situation, shit just blows up! Well...in my friend group at least.
Yo, I think I'm gonna go home.
Why don't you ever wanna hang out?! Don't you wanna kick it with me? Don't be lame!
I'll kick it with you tomorrow. You're with other people anyways. You'll still ahev fun.
But I want you here!
Well I don't want me here.
And it goes on and on.
Now if we just thought...hey...it'll be okay!
Yo, I think I'm gonna go home.
Why, you all good?
Yea, just not feelin it tonight.
Fasho. Rain check.
Yea, I'll hit you up.
Peace.
Well that was quite ooookay, wouldn't you say?
Location: Media Center
I'm reading about Bukowski and flipping through all of his poems.
http://www.poemhunter.com/charles-bukowski/poems/
All of them are pretty striking, but check this one out:
As The Sparrow
To give life you must take life,
and as our grief falls flat and hollow
upon the billion-blooded sea
I pass upon serious inward-breaking shoals rimmed
with white-legged, white-bellied rotting creatures
lengthily dead and rioting against surrounding scenes.
Dear child, I only did to you what the sparrow
did to you; I am old when it is fashionable to be
young; I cry when it is fashionable to laugh.
I hated you when it would have taken less courage
to love.
Charles Bukowski
huh...
Date: April 13th, 2011
Day of Week: Wednesday
Location: Chem
Countdown: 59
I went to the Starry Plough in Berkeley last night and it was awesome! So many amazing people and familiar faces (from the last time I went)! Tim and I arrived late and had to go last, yet again, but we didn't mind. It's always a pleasure to stay and watch such talented and passionate musicians. Plus I won a free drink! Holla!
Forrest Day, a phenomenal artist/band was there again last night. They were there when I went a couple of weeks ago. I love their music. He's playing at the Great American Theater in San Francisco if you'd like to see their amazing-ness for yourself.
There was a man from Alabama who was absolutely great! Silky-voiced, sexy-ish, R&B-like music that made my whole body tingle. Oh yea. He's that good. I bought 2 CDs from him for ten bucks. One for me and one my friend, Melaney, who I owe a lot of "burn-outs" to. I don't really smoke anymore so I repay her with random gifts. She was genuinely happy I bought it for her. Melaney is awesome. We're Geminis and yea, sure, it's lame, but it's awesome to us. We bond over our similar reactions and thoughts and when she thanks me, I always know she really means it. Gemini's don't say thanks a lot. They expect a lot of things, which isn't a good thing and I am working on it, but whenever you go out of your way to please them, they are truly grateful.
Anyways...back to the Starry Plough.
Sex seemed to be a reoccurring theme of the night. There was a contest for a Free Drink and you had to either have the best joke or best terrible sex story. It was hilarious. The girl who won had the most terrible/funny sex story a person could probably ever have. She was getting it on with her new boyfriend and he flips her over to begin doggie style and all of the sudden he goes flaccid. She turns around and ask what's up and watches him pull out a long strand of toilet paper from her butt cheeks! "Apparently I use a lot of toilet paper when I 'freshen up'!"
Another girl came close to winning as well. She's about to have sex for the first time with this guy she's been dating for awhile. So they're making out on the couch and things are about to move to the next level and then...he whispers in her ear, "I'm sooo wet."
...Interpret that however you like.
Tim and I were discussing the possible reasons why that man would say such a confusing thing. She never really explained it...
Here's what we came up with:
-he could be a transvestite
-meant to say, "YOU'RE so wet."
-came in his pants
-still wet from the shower
-sweaty
-spilled something on himself
-he's aqua man
I like to think he's aqua man.
As the night continued as did the sex jokes.
When I went up, I thought it was only necessary to perform my sex song, "Stay Hush." Granted it's not dirty and it emphasizes the beauty and love aspects of sex, but still I got a lot of shouts and hoots on the more "raunchy" phrases. Afterwords I was told to write more sex songs because I'm way too sexy not to.
It was a great night.
I keep fighting out about this boy in my head. Long battle short...I'm vulnerable as hell and even though he says he loves me, I don't believe him. He can do so much better than me. Someone older, prettier, with bigger boobs, more fun, more not-as-crazy. He deserves better than me. Sure, I sound like I'm fishing for compliments, but I'm not. I'm fishing for happiness. If a need to take my hook out of his fish-mouth and set him free then I will.
See everyone likes the bait part. The new scent, scrumptious taste, and delirious satisfaction. But no one likes the hook part. Stuck, committed, floundering. Maybe some, it's a bad analogy for relationships. I don't mind the hook part if you just put me in a fish bowl after instead of eating me. There. A slight amendment to the analogy.
Enough about that. It'll all be okay.
My new philosophy; everything will be okay. We constantly freak out, analyze too much, and complicate stupid, meaningless shit when really if we all just breathe and calm down and take a look at the big picture, we'll realize it'll all be okay. Y
You wanna go the store?
Yes.
Wanna get me a Snickers if I pay you?
Naw.
Okay.
We confuse wants with needs. Also if there are two different wants in the situation, shit just blows up! Well...in my friend group at least.
Yo, I think I'm gonna go home.
Why don't you ever wanna hang out?! Don't you wanna kick it with me? Don't be lame!
I'll kick it with you tomorrow. You're with other people anyways. You'll still ahev fun.
But I want you here!
Well I don't want me here.
And it goes on and on.
Now if we just thought...hey...it'll be okay!
Yo, I think I'm gonna go home.
Why, you all good?
Yea, just not feelin it tonight.
Fasho. Rain check.
Yea, I'll hit you up.
Peace.
Well that was quite ooookay, wouldn't you say?
Location: Media Center
I'm reading about Bukowski and flipping through all of his poems.
http://www.poemhunter.com/charles-bukowski/poems/
All of them are pretty striking, but check this one out:
As The Sparrow
To give life you must take life,
and as our grief falls flat and hollow
upon the billion-blooded sea
I pass upon serious inward-breaking shoals rimmed
with white-legged, white-bellied rotting creatures
lengthily dead and rioting against surrounding scenes.
Dear child, I only did to you what the sparrow
did to you; I am old when it is fashionable to be
young; I cry when it is fashionable to laugh.
I hated you when it would have taken less courage
to love.
Charles Bukowski
huh...
Monday, April 11, 2011
It's Monday, Darling.
Date: April 11th, 2011
Day of Week: Monday
Location: Home
Countdown: 61
This weekend was the best weekend I've had since I went to Presidio. Each tick of the clock was well spent and put me in a great mood for the rest of the week. This may sound cliche...but I'm in love. Everyone has their own definitions of this very complex word; this very complex phenomenon. For me it's when you care about someone so much that you'd risk your happiness for theirs. You'd risk anything you had to to make them smile. And this boy...oh this wonderful boy, I would do anything to make him smile...or have one of those insanely cute giggle fits he has.
You see...I like the way he makes me feel, but I love him for him.
I love how he closes his eyes sometimes before he begins to speak or when he passionately agrees with something. I love when he becomes serious his face reads intelligence and care with every word he speaks. I love how he always looks for the best in people. I could go on and on, but who wants to read that?
Main point in all of this: I saw him this weekend and told him how I felt terrified of his reply. Turns out we're floating in the same boat. Each kiss after our love was declared was intensified to the point where I could faint. BUM buh.
...
...Anyways. It's been a normal Monday. My English class is getting more and more interesting. I'm excited for tomorrow. I get to go to open mic in Berkeley and see...ya know...that one boy.
Love hits you in the kisser when you least expect it.
Day of Week: Monday
Location: Home
Countdown: 61
This weekend was the best weekend I've had since I went to Presidio. Each tick of the clock was well spent and put me in a great mood for the rest of the week. This may sound cliche...but I'm in love. Everyone has their own definitions of this very complex word; this very complex phenomenon. For me it's when you care about someone so much that you'd risk your happiness for theirs. You'd risk anything you had to to make them smile. And this boy...oh this wonderful boy, I would do anything to make him smile...or have one of those insanely cute giggle fits he has.
You see...I like the way he makes me feel, but I love him for him.
I love how he closes his eyes sometimes before he begins to speak or when he passionately agrees with something. I love when he becomes serious his face reads intelligence and care with every word he speaks. I love how he always looks for the best in people. I could go on and on, but who wants to read that?
Main point in all of this: I saw him this weekend and told him how I felt terrified of his reply. Turns out we're floating in the same boat. Each kiss after our love was declared was intensified to the point where I could faint. BUM buh.
...
...Anyways. It's been a normal Monday. My English class is getting more and more interesting. I'm excited for tomorrow. I get to go to open mic in Berkeley and see...ya know...that one boy.
Love hits you in the kisser when you least expect it.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
BUM buh.
Date: April 9th, 2011
Day of Week: Saturday
Location: Home
Countdown: 63
Well...it's Saturday. I woke up at 12pm, ate a bowl of cereal, worked out, recorded songs, washed/dried my clothes, and picked up my room a bit. Ahh...routines. Some would call this a productive day, no?
Why does it all seem so phony to me? Yes, it has to be done. Yes, I need to know how to do most of these things for college. Yes, they're the basic essentials of living on your own. No, they are not fun. No, they do not make me grow as a person.
How can it be so productive to my parents and seem like a fall-back to me?
I don't want to sound like a spoiled brat. I don't wish anyone else to do the work for me.
Maybe I'm thinking about it in the wrong way. Maybe I should try to think of what's beautiful, fun, or funny about it. Hmm...
Waking up - to start a new awesome day!
Eating - to have energy for the awesome new day!
Working out - to be better prepared for what this new awesome day brings me!
Recording songs - I don't mind this at all.
Doing laundry - to keep me warm and protect me (a little) from whatever weather or surroundings this new awesome day brings me! Also the funny sounds the machines make. They kind of sound like they're eating very loudly. It must be really good food. Mmmm, Casey's clothes...yummmmmmmmmmmmMMmmmMMmmMMM!
Picking up my room - ...to make my parents happy and not yell at me more!
There. I guess it's really not so bad after all!
Looking on the bright side is hard to do in the moment sometimes, because you get so tangled in the "details" of that moment and never take a step back to see it for what it is. The battle once again...DEFEATED! But still...it goes on!
I like to think of life like a heartbeat sometimes. Not only does it represent life, but symbolically it's fun to interpret the "pumps" in this way.
So a heart as two beats, correct? Well, a healthy heart at least. You first have the BUM and then the buh. Push and release.
The BUM represents doing the work, getting it done, the action aspects of life.
The buh represents relaxing, looking, perceiving, viewing, interpreting, the thinking aspects of life.
For example. Let's say (totally hypothetical, mind you) you build a house in a day.
You work.(BUM) And once you've finished, you pause and look at this thing of shelter, wonder, and hard work. You take a deep breathe and smile. (buh)
Once you've done the buh part, you are ready once again for the BUM!
But see...people these days tend to skip the buh. Which leads to getting so caught up in your work and completely forgetting about the beauty of life! Look! You just built a house! Instead of worrying how to furnish it and paint it and the DETAILS, just RELAX. Sit down and breathe and enjoy and live and feel and think.
When I was little, after doing something hard for me, I was always told to pat myself on the back. It first I thought it was stupid. Who cares? I did it. It's done. But now I always pat myself on the back.
HEY PEOPLE! YOU ARE NOT CONCEDED FOR TAKING PRIDE IN THE HARD WORK YOU DO! You are simply appreciating yourself! If you can't appreciate yourself, then you can't truly appreciate others. Because others are JUST like you. We are ONE, remember?
Here. I will appreciate myself. Not out because I want to show you, but because I honestly forgot to yesterday.
Hey Casey. Hello me! Good job yesterday! You finished a bunch of government work before the end of the quarter, had a GREAT senior talent show, and had a good lunch with a missed friend. At the showcase, your voice was clear and didn't sound a bit tired at all and you managed to do all songs with only one mistake! Even still, the people laughed at the mistake because you turned the mistake into a funny facial expression! Good job! After that you had a good night with your friends and had a really good nights sleep!
Life is good. Thanks me. I really appreciate it.
Now, if you feel so inclined...pat yourself on the back. Talk to yourself if you want! No ones looking!
BUM...buh.
There's a reason why the buh is lowercase. For the people who can truly appreciate themselves and the world...appreciate the buh as if it were capitalized.
Today I told my parents that on my 18th birthday I would be getting a nose piercing. Immediate yelling filled the room
"Why are you yelling!? What does it matter to you?! It's MY body. I waited 18 years to do something I want to do. 18 years for MY FREEDOM and you STILL want to control me!?" I thought. I SCREAMED inside my head.
"We're not paying for your college!" said my dad.
Out of spite, "Looks like I'm not going to college. Why do you care so much?"
"I don't really." shrugged my dad.
I looked at my mom. Her face distraught.
"Okay mom, why do you care so much?"
"Me? Why do I care? Because it's not right. I think people who get their noses pierced don't do it because they look nice, they do it because they want to say, 'Hey! Look at me! I'm so cool with my nose piercing! Oooo!'" She was yelling by the end of her shpeal.
"Why are you yelling?" I asked.
"I'm not!! This is how I talk!"
"Yea that's how she talks!" my dad agreed.
"Well...whenever I talk like that you tell me to calm down and stop yelling! Sometimes you even walk away from me!" I felt my heart pounding through my chest as I tried my hardest not to raise my voice.
"Okay well. So what?"
Moving on I begin "Well let me say this. It could go the same way for ear piercings! You have your ears pierced! Are you 'so cool' with your ears pierced?"
"No! I actually think it makes me look nicer!"
"Well, I actually think a nose piercing makes me look nicer! How is there a difference? It's preferences!"
"Look, Casey, you can't change my opinion!"
Opinions are meaningless, I thought.
"Mom, I'm not trying to! I'm just telling you why I wa-"
"WHY DO YOU WANT IT?" My dad cuts me off.
"Are you kidding!? I just told you!"
"I know why she wants it! She wants attention! It's all for show! It's all for attention!" my mom mocks me.
"What?!!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?" I feel my chin wrinkle and a warm tear run down my face. I look into my mom's cold, careless eyes searching for a spark of warmth or solace only to be blocked by a wall and drowned.
I don't know why I started to cry. I guess it was mostly that fact that I always tell them three words, "You never listen!"...hoping that they heard me and will start to listen. But as it turns out they didn't even hear that. Or maybe they don't care. They just want to be right. At all times. So they'll lie to themselves about how I'm a spoiled child and all I want is attention...
All I want is to be heard.
I'm proud of myself that I kept my voice down for so long. I'm proud that even though my mom will think less of my and think all I want is attention, I'm still going to get this nose piercing. Not only do I honestly like the way it looks, this hole in my body symbolizes my first act of honest
freedom.
Day of Week: Saturday
Location: Home
Countdown: 63
Well...it's Saturday. I woke up at 12pm, ate a bowl of cereal, worked out, recorded songs, washed/dried my clothes, and picked up my room a bit. Ahh...routines. Some would call this a productive day, no?
Why does it all seem so phony to me? Yes, it has to be done. Yes, I need to know how to do most of these things for college. Yes, they're the basic essentials of living on your own. No, they are not fun. No, they do not make me grow as a person.
How can it be so productive to my parents and seem like a fall-back to me?
I don't want to sound like a spoiled brat. I don't wish anyone else to do the work for me.
Maybe I'm thinking about it in the wrong way. Maybe I should try to think of what's beautiful, fun, or funny about it. Hmm...
Waking up - to start a new awesome day!
Eating - to have energy for the awesome new day!
Working out - to be better prepared for what this new awesome day brings me!
Recording songs - I don't mind this at all.
Doing laundry - to keep me warm and protect me (a little) from whatever weather or surroundings this new awesome day brings me! Also the funny sounds the machines make. They kind of sound like they're eating very loudly. It must be really good food. Mmmm, Casey's clothes...yummmmmmmmmmmmMMmmmMMmmMMM!
Picking up my room - ...to make my parents happy and not yell at me more!
There. I guess it's really not so bad after all!
Looking on the bright side is hard to do in the moment sometimes, because you get so tangled in the "details" of that moment and never take a step back to see it for what it is. The battle once again...DEFEATED! But still...it goes on!
I like to think of life like a heartbeat sometimes. Not only does it represent life, but symbolically it's fun to interpret the "pumps" in this way.
So a heart as two beats, correct? Well, a healthy heart at least. You first have the BUM and then the buh. Push and release.
The BUM represents doing the work, getting it done, the action aspects of life.
The buh represents relaxing, looking, perceiving, viewing, interpreting, the thinking aspects of life.
For example. Let's say (totally hypothetical, mind you) you build a house in a day.
You work.(BUM) And once you've finished, you pause and look at this thing of shelter, wonder, and hard work. You take a deep breathe and smile. (buh)
Once you've done the buh part, you are ready once again for the BUM!
But see...people these days tend to skip the buh. Which leads to getting so caught up in your work and completely forgetting about the beauty of life! Look! You just built a house! Instead of worrying how to furnish it and paint it and the DETAILS, just RELAX. Sit down and breathe and enjoy and live and feel and think.
When I was little, after doing something hard for me, I was always told to pat myself on the back. It first I thought it was stupid. Who cares? I did it. It's done. But now I always pat myself on the back.
HEY PEOPLE! YOU ARE NOT CONCEDED FOR TAKING PRIDE IN THE HARD WORK YOU DO! You are simply appreciating yourself! If you can't appreciate yourself, then you can't truly appreciate others. Because others are JUST like you. We are ONE, remember?
Here. I will appreciate myself. Not out because I want to show you, but because I honestly forgot to yesterday.
Hey Casey. Hello me! Good job yesterday! You finished a bunch of government work before the end of the quarter, had a GREAT senior talent show, and had a good lunch with a missed friend. At the showcase, your voice was clear and didn't sound a bit tired at all and you managed to do all songs with only one mistake! Even still, the people laughed at the mistake because you turned the mistake into a funny facial expression! Good job! After that you had a good night with your friends and had a really good nights sleep!
Life is good. Thanks me. I really appreciate it.
Now, if you feel so inclined...pat yourself on the back. Talk to yourself if you want! No ones looking!
BUM...buh.
There's a reason why the buh is lowercase. For the people who can truly appreciate themselves and the world...appreciate the buh as if it were capitalized.
Today I told my parents that on my 18th birthday I would be getting a nose piercing. Immediate yelling filled the room
"Why are you yelling!? What does it matter to you?! It's MY body. I waited 18 years to do something I want to do. 18 years for MY FREEDOM and you STILL want to control me!?" I thought. I SCREAMED inside my head.
"We're not paying for your college!" said my dad.
Out of spite, "Looks like I'm not going to college. Why do you care so much?"
"I don't really." shrugged my dad.
I looked at my mom. Her face distraught.
"Okay mom, why do you care so much?"
"Me? Why do I care? Because it's not right. I think people who get their noses pierced don't do it because they look nice, they do it because they want to say, 'Hey! Look at me! I'm so cool with my nose piercing! Oooo!'" She was yelling by the end of her shpeal.
"Why are you yelling?" I asked.
"I'm not!! This is how I talk!"
"Yea that's how she talks!" my dad agreed.
"Well...whenever I talk like that you tell me to calm down and stop yelling! Sometimes you even walk away from me!" I felt my heart pounding through my chest as I tried my hardest not to raise my voice.
"Okay well. So what?"
Moving on I begin "Well let me say this. It could go the same way for ear piercings! You have your ears pierced! Are you 'so cool' with your ears pierced?"
"No! I actually think it makes me look nicer!"
"Well, I actually think a nose piercing makes me look nicer! How is there a difference? It's preferences!"
"Look, Casey, you can't change my opinion!"
Opinions are meaningless, I thought.
"Mom, I'm not trying to! I'm just telling you why I wa-"
"WHY DO YOU WANT IT?" My dad cuts me off.
"Are you kidding!? I just told you!"
"I know why she wants it! She wants attention! It's all for show! It's all for attention!" my mom mocks me.
"What?!!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?" I feel my chin wrinkle and a warm tear run down my face. I look into my mom's cold, careless eyes searching for a spark of warmth or solace only to be blocked by a wall and drowned.
I don't know why I started to cry. I guess it was mostly that fact that I always tell them three words, "You never listen!"...hoping that they heard me and will start to listen. But as it turns out they didn't even hear that. Or maybe they don't care. They just want to be right. At all times. So they'll lie to themselves about how I'm a spoiled child and all I want is attention...
All I want is to be heard.
I'm proud of myself that I kept my voice down for so long. I'm proud that even though my mom will think less of my and think all I want is attention, I'm still going to get this nose piercing. Not only do I honestly like the way it looks, this hole in my body symbolizes my first act of honest
freedom.
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