La Vie En Rose

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http://www.youtube.com/creators?x=nextup_FyU7Gt1Mchk
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*PREVIOUS NOTE! NAMES WERE CHANGED!*
Date: April 7th, 2011
Day of the Week: Thursday
Location: Jazz Band
Countdown: 65

It's a block day.
Classes:
2) Jazz Band
3) Gov/Econ
4) FREE
- lunch -
5) English

As the band works on Harlem Nocturne, with every player's mind focusing on the music and tempo, I am off to the side reading "Sophie's World" by Justein Gaarder, simply pondering the world's existence. The world of music and the world of life itself. Two very beautiful things. Two of my favorite things.
I don't like the beginning of Sophie's World so far. It leaps into learning philosophy so abruptly! There's barely any background at all! You always hear people complain about books having a slow start, but man, I don't know if quick starts are much better. I mean, this 14-year-old girl receives packets from an unknown source telling her what philosophy is. Which is cool, but it's just strange to me. Of course, the whole scenario is meant to be strange, but it sort of contradicts itself. Here's this letter, talking about youth and how children are so curious about everything in the world because it's new and amazing and how pure the children are...then it talks about philosophers who also appreciate life and their surroundings, but try to make sense of them as well. It also says that she is still a child, but if she still had an "adolescent" mind, I would think she'd be much more interested in how and who gave her this letter than trying to make sense of what the letter was telling her. Is she supposed to be a combination of a philosopher and a child?
I don't know. I'm getting ahead of myself. I should just let the story unravel. It'll reveal everything in due time...right?

On my way to school today I was listening to Lester Leap In by Count Basie.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ni9fxp5sP1k
It's a pretty old song so the recording quality isn't very good, but I kind of like it that way. It's like spice. It adds flavor. It adds the time-line aspect of it. It's a blast to the past! Of course, I don't know what it was like back then, but I can imagine!
I like to think about living in the 20s, 30s, 40s even. Flapper gals, the Great Depression, World War II,...but the MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC!!! Jazz! The Age of Jazz...all that terrible business going on and they have this explosion of beautiful music to sooth them, dance their worries away, make them smile, give them hope about the future!

I imagine myself living back when Ella Fitzgerald, my favorite jazz signer, made it big. I imagine living in some decaying, old apartment with lights that barely light, uneven floors, broken-in walls, cracked windows, a broken lock, a hard mattress, a sink that spews dirty water...ya know, one of those "I ain't living here for luxury" apartments. But then I imagine, right smack in the middle of the tiny room, a dusty ol' record player singing Ella's version of In a Sentimental Mood. Next Sarah Vaughan's Lullaby of Birdland, Louie Armstrong's La Vie En Rose, The Bird's Embraceable You...beautiful, lively music just completely filling the filthy room with...LIFE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ayb6CFQQ5Ko&feature=BF&list=WL1C6853B6CD8D7318&index=1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8cFdZyWOOs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IJzYAda1wA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3h9dL-yymBA
I imagine art hanging from the walls. Art by local artists, art of my own, art of my lover and friends, art not recognized by the usual passer-byer. All this "stuff" makes this crappy apartment turn into something of beauty! To me, at least. That's all I need. Food, water, shelter, music, art, beauty, and love. Even the unintentional art of the wood floors make me happy! I wonder if that's how people got through it all. Through all the depression and death, simply playing or seeing or hearing something that makes you truly feel alive.

Today was awesome. Everything was normal until fourth period came around.
See, I used to help out the Special Ed class during my free period. Not only do I get more community service, (which I really don't need any more of...i have 500+ hours) but I get to work with really awesome kids! I stopped when things started getting really busy with Mock Congress (a huge Gov project) and the high school Musical. I forgot how much I loved it.
See...these kids aren't just the sweetest angels you will ever meet, but they are just completely amazing!
There is a boy named William, who barely talks, but if ask him what day of the week any random date was (for example I asked June 9th, 1993) he will give you the correct day within 2 seconds. It's amazing. It was a Wednesday by the way.
Then there's Christian, who's this big, African-American guy and he is just FILLED, completely, to the ABSOLUTE BRIM, with expression! He is hilarious to observe and talk to! His facial expressions are priceless and plus he laughs at all my jokes!
Jodie, is super sweet. She loves to strike up conversation and she always has lots of interesting input! She's also a very hard worker. She's in my Drama 3 class and she helps so much with sets, feedback, and just dealing with our crazy drama teacher!
Hazel, who, at times, can get easily confused, is still very smart! When she gets what's going on, she really gets it! I've noticed that simple things make her extremely happy. Simple things such as reading the same book over and over and OVER again, watching princess movies, playing card games, etc... I really enjoy seeing her smile so much!
Diego, a very tall, handsome gentleman is the most easy going person I know. Whatever we're doing in class that day, he is pumped to do it and has no complaints whatsoever! Also if he ever gets an answer to a questions wrong, even if he gets it wrong multiple times, he never gets frustrated...or at least he doesn't show it! He's also amazing at basketball and it's fun to see him play (and win) games with other students at our high school.
Anthony is always following the latest hype! He knows every lyric to tons of songs, EVEN in different languages! I mean, HOLY MOLY, HELLO!?!? Can you say awesome? He always tells me about movies and why he likes them. He never says, "Oh I like this scene. It was nice." He goes into depth. He likes the way the camera was angled on his favorite actors face or how the light in the back was the only light in the whole scene. Just amazing things, no one would ever really notice...except, perhaps, movie critics!!
Thomas is the sweetest boy ever. He ALWAYS says hi to me in the halls which I love and he always wonders about with a pleasant smile on his face. Sometimes it's hard to understand him, but his diction has improved so much, and even if he needs to repeat something several times, he doesn't get mad. Today he asked me if I had forgotten who he was. That made me feel terrible.
All of these kids are such great kids. And I love how I am given the opportunity to bond with them and see how they grow and see how simple things, even barely noticeable things!, can make their day just completely AWESOME. It's interesting that they are so intelligent and yet, some still struggle with reading receipts. It's weird that a simple, everyday task that most people automatically "pick-up" without even thinking about it, is a lesson that is repeated weekly for them. And they love learning about it too...well sometimes.
Man, I've missed that class. I'm going to be going there a whole lot more.

Mr. Bunker thanked me today for coming. He's the teacher, but he also directs shows at a local playhouse. I used to work for him last summer. When he thanked me I simply shrugged and said, "Of course, dude. I love helping out." I didn't think much of his thanks. I just was doing what I like to do; help people. But he pulled me aside and said, "Of course you know, these kids are great! But they do struggle with feeling 'uncool,' different, isolated at this school. And when you come in and hang out with them and talk to them, someone who they find to be totally awesome and 'cool,' they really do love it. They feel like they fit in. And when they look back on their high school years, they will remember you forever and cherish that memory. So really. I thank you for being so awesome with them and giving them a friend. It means the world to them."
Pause.
I thought for a moment. Am I going to look back on this?
My answer, "You know what, Mr. Bunker? I love working with these kids. They open my mind to the simple things in life and the joy it can bring them. Each one of these kids has something completely and solely unique about them that bring out a gorgeous aspect of life. I, too, cherish my moments working with these kids and I, too, will look back on them and smile and be blessed for being with them. I honestly will."
Yea...I know...it got a little mushy. But he accepted my response with great appreciation in his eyes and said, "Now GET! It's lunch!"

We're reading this play in English called "Fences" by August Wilson. If you haven't read it and would like to, don't read any further because I might give a few details away.
So it's about this man, right? Troy Maxson...let me tell you...what a DOUCHE! He mistreats his wife, doesn't even call her by her real name, cheats on her, fucks up his son's one chance of college and being recruited for football, had a "bastard child" with his mistress, brings the damn baby TO his WIFE, and yells at everyone for not appreciating HIM for everything he "GIVES" to them. Well sure we need food and shelter, but shit, it ain't worth it to me if I'M treated like shit and get yelled at for treating King Rat over here like shit! Sheesh. Who does he think he is? Once he told his wife he was cheating on her AND wasn't gonna leave the mistress because she makes him feel good and that he's done everything he can for Rose (his wife), EVERYONE in the room was HOLLERING!
"What a dick!"
"Drown the baby!"
"Asshole!"
"Dayyuummm!"
"Not cool, bro!"
A student threw a book across the room, "FUCK THIS SHIT!" and stormed out!

...alright...maybe not the last one...but you get the point.

Never has a book or character made me so damn angry. That's how you know it's good. When you want to rip the pages out because you have so much anger, but you can't because you have to read more and see if the asshole dies in the end? Yea. Like that.
I'm excited to see where this book ends. I hope Troy dies. I really do. I hope Rose kills him. For how he erode that rock of a woman, he deserves to.
Well...that's too intense of a thing to say...but you get the point...right?


I'm scared. Absolutely terrified. I'm going to be girly and talk about this boy for a paragraph. I like this guy. A lot. I've liked him for almost a year now. And here he is wanting me or acting like it...and here I am...about to go to college. A college in a different state, at that. He knows I'm leaving. He's excited for me. He's been through the whole first year of college craze and often tells me it's awesome and I'll be great at meeting people and I'll have so much fun and yada yada yada. But all I'm thinking is...I'm going to miss you. I don't want to leave...well...that's a lie, but...I want you to come with me. But what kind of person would I be to even ask that? He's got his own life! He's about to make this super awesome documentary about this upcoming skateboarder who travels/skates all around the world!
http://www.youtube.com/creators?x=nextup_FyU7Gt1Mchk (VOTE FOR IT!)
That's going to be amazing! He might be doing most of his traveling during summer. I'm gone for most of summer. I want to go with him during my last free month. Wherever he is, but that's just too much to even ask right now. I question if he even likes me or if he's just lonely and likes the idea of me. I'm scared.
(okay two paragraphs)
You see...Him and I went in this circle. We liked each other, but I was too immature and crazy and messed everything up by things that are too embarrassing to admit publicly. I'm still immature and crazy, but I handle it a lot better now. I'm not as needy and life isn't all about me anymore. Which is good! Great, in my opinion! But since he left me hanging there (though it was clearly understandable why) I fear it'll happen all over again. I would always ask him, "What is this? This thing we have? Are we going out? Working our way up to going out?...WHAT IS THIS?" and the truth was we're in different stages in our lives and it's not socially acceptable for him to go out with me and also...I'm crazy. Back then (which really wasn't too long ago), I just could not understand this. I was like "Whatever, man. Forget about other people! They don't matter! Let's defy gravity! Let's jump off a cliff and live!"...not really, but you know what I mean. It just wasn't okay and he wasn't comfortable with it. Nowadays...we are back to liking each other...I hope I can say "we" truthfully...and I don't know if this circle will go around again. Will it branch off? Is it all that different then last time?
Anyways I'm trying my hardest not to think about WHAT this is so much as to how it IS what it IS and just go with the flow, man. I'm trying to just love what I have for now...and whatever it becomes...so be it! If we were meant to be, it'll happen!...right? I hate not knowing where he comes from. I want to ask, but I don't. I guess I just fear it will be the answer I don't want to hear...and now that I think of it...that doesn't sound right.
(okay three paragraphs...)
The weird thing is...even if he did say, "This means nothing. Peace, yo!" I'd be okay with it. Of course, I want him for myself, but if he doesn't want me and he can find someone who will make him happier, I say go for it, yo! I want him to be happy! I really do and if it means not being with me, then that's fine! It is what it is, right? I make lots of other people happy.....right? OF COURSE I DO! :D
...Anyways...that's my life right now. Those are my meaningless thoughts.

And here's a poem I wrote about my meaningless thoughts:

Can't I live?
In this maze of a world I get lost in the details.
The details of your words, of my words, of my thoughts, of opinions, opinions, OPINIONS.
Opinions. Waves of opinions.
Washed by waves of meaningless nothing.
Screaming desires, wants, lust, illusions.
Illusions so strong you can completely blind yourself and create a whole new phony world.
A world that spins on words. A world that is chained by thoughts. A world that is clouded by ominous opinions.
Details. Mazes. Robotic. Unnatural.
Created by the hands of the natural?
How is this so?
Oh! Can't I live?
Can't I float in the in-between?
Where there is no time, no sensara, no tomorrow, no past, no last, but now!
The in-between of now. Like the glitter on the ocean. It floats. Not delving into the depths of desire. Not rising into the land of lust.
No. It floats.
It appreciates, it breathes, it smiles, it laughs, it shines like light for it is

enlightened.

It sees and feels yet cannot be touched. But it is a thing. An intangible thing. A concept?
Lost again am I. In my own words.
I was taught to make sense out of things.

Programmed.

No more. No more!
I will fly like an eagle above this maze of a world.
Simply soar.
Fly above and kiss the things I love. I love everything.
Everything. For what it is and not who.
You are me. Everything is me. And that is why I love it.
We are ONE.
The perfect, beautiful Om.
And if you listen to the sea glitter, if you listen to a heartbeat, if you listen to a rock, tree, wind, insect, lion, THING...like I listen to the wind beneath my wings...then you will hear too.
The radiant, the beautiful, the perfect

Om. (c)