"Do it"

*PREVIOUS NOTE! NAMES WERE CHANGED!*
Date: April 5th, 2011
Day of week: Tuesday
Location: Chemistry Class, Ms. W's Room

It is merely my first period of the day and I already have a headache and a will to go home. Granted I only got 3 hours of sleep last night, but that's beside the point. Today we have a sub in Chem. He is tall, young, brunette, and pretty attractive. You'd think he'd be a cool dude, but...he's kind of

a dick.

He seems like one of those guys who's been teased their whole life so when he "teaches" a class he's sees it more as an opportunity to control a set of kids. That may sound harsh, but he even yelled at 3 kids to "not act like jackasses."
"Just not today," he said.
I mean, sure, they were being a wee little bit obnoxious, but they weren't bothering anybody. I mean, they're immature little 15 and 16 year olds...what do you expect?
I'm trying to think of reasons that could be causing him to be so rude...he did say "Just not today," right? Maybe he's hungover...didn't get enought sleep...sexual tension?...I don't know. Maybe he's just being a jerk to be a jerk. Maybe "Just not today" is everyday. Or every-not-day. I hope not. As a senior getting ready for college, getting ready for adulthood...I observe young adults as examples...he's not a very ideal rolemodel. He has a job. He's young and attractive. But he's...

a dick.

Oh well...

Things I HAVE to Remember to DO Today (but probably won't):
- Finish filling out Lewis and Clark Packet
- Give a blank CD to Blaine so her mom can burn pics from "Urinetown the Musical" so I can give it back to my mom and she can pee her pants with joy once received...
- Try not texting the boy I like
- Homework/Extra Credit
- Begin to plan Summer Road Trip
- Senior Talent Show Rehearsal 3-5pm
- Ballet from 5-6:30pm
- Work out with Hannah
- Take a sleeping pill at 8pm so I can actually sleep.
- Breathe.

Things to AVOID:
- Procrastinating anything on the list above.


Location: Jazz Band

Cool. Got that out of the way.

I love being in Jazz Band. I instantly feel cooler as soon as I enter the room; like I should be wearing a tight black dress with black boots and a fedora over a head of crazy curly hair and red lipstick and big sunglasses. Completely mask myself and sing out the emotions that talented artists with different stories intended their lyrics to be sung. Yea...like that. It's a good feeling.
Justin Rand is a cool dude. He used to be my musical theater teacher for sophomore and junior year, but due to budget cuts and the Terminator governor douche-face, that class got cut. But it's all good in the hood, I guess. Now I have Jazz Band.
22 students total, including me. 2 pianists, 2 drummers/percussionists, 5 saxes, 1 clarinet, 3 trombones, 2 bassists, 3 guitarists, 4 trumpets, and one signer...me. :)
Sometimes I feel weird in the class. I sing well, but my knowledge of music theory compared to everyone else...is like a baby being amused my making spit bubbles, but not realizing it's spit. Weird analogy...make sense of it how you will. I want to learn music theory, I really do. I guess I'm just waiting for college. I know I shouldn't wait, but I already got in to Lewis and Clark and am majoring in music. Also I feel like if I add one more thing to that list of things to do I'll end up doing the one thing to avoid. Yea...I'll just wait.

It's Tuesday. It's a block day.
Classes:
1) Chem
2) Jazz Band
5) English
- lunch -
6) Drama 3

Normal Classes:
1) Chem
2) Jazz Band
3) Gov/Econ
4) FREE, NADA, NOTHING
- lunch -
5) English
6) Drama 3

I'm not looking forward to English. Mr.Teston is cool and nice and all, but he's not a very good teacher. Whenever we analyze literature he rejects kids' ideas and says, "No...I don't think it's like that. It's like this..."
Student: "Why can't it mean what I think it should mean?"
Him: "Ehhhh....'Cause it's wrong."
Silence.
I think he might just be shooting down the ideas because he's going to be testing it and it needs to be a uniform idea for the correct answer. Yea...That's probably it. Still...I feel like we should think of it the way we want to. But there's no point in arguing, but this doesn't mean I believe what he does it all that awesome.

I don't believe a lot of things...I don't believe IN a lot of things.
Things I don't believe...
I don't believe words.
When words leave from brain to mouth (the passage of thought to idea, statement, question, opinion, etc...), they are lost. The initial thought probably wasn't properly explained to the full capacity the thinker intended it to be. Also the listener is blessed with the task of interpreting their words, most likely interpreting them wrong.
For instance, when I say or you read, "That's cool, dude."
What voice did you hear in your head?
Ask another person.
Both take turns saying it aloud how you read it.
Were they the same?
If they were, HOLY MOLY!, this person is your soulmate and you should take them out for a nice seafood dinner, dance under the stars, and race back to wherever you feel comfortable eloping because you ain't gon' find no one like dis one ya got right here. Just kidding. Don't do that...unless you want to.
Anyways words are never what fully grasp a meaning, person, any thing really...
I feel like actions, gestures, the life lived by the person really shows you who they really are. But I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together?
Should I like a person for WHAT they are? A living, comprehending, thinking, breathing, thing made of billions of cells. Or should I like them for who they are...or who they claim to be?

Simplicity vs. Details

The battle of life. Well for me at least. People get lost in the maze of the world like words get lost in the maze of the mind, the details. But like the excellent, beautiful, just completely awesome book, Siddhartha by Herman Hesse, taught me...when the details do not concern you anymore and you love things for WHAT they are today and you realize you are one with them, then you live in the simplest of lives, in peace, in admiration, in love, in beauty, in perfection...in Nirvana. Lucky you!
I often imagine a colorful bird soaring above the world. And when this bird looks down at the world it sees past the illusion of a maze, it sees it's beauty. And while this bird never dives into the maze, it descends to kiss the things it loves. Sometimes when I meditate or when I am truly happy, I imagine I am this bird. This bird with colorful, long wings and a bright orange beak, and piercing eyes that see more than what is in front of it. It sees multiple faces, faces of animals, insects, humans. It sees each individual blade of grass, stone crevice, smile, tear. It sees all life forms dead or alive. Everything that's real. And it sees it all as one. One whole thing. All with one whole sound. Om...

It depresses me to think I may never reach this "Nirvana." For someone who is pretty fearless, lots of fears arrive with this thought of perfection. Probably because the society I live in programmed me to think something is wrong with me and constantly gives me updates and reminders that I'll never be perfect or reach perfection. But I guess this is a different perfection...
I fear being alone mostly. But one in Nirvana wouldn't be bothered by this for they know they are not alone. They never are. Nature surrounds them, things surround them, beauty surrounds them. The Buddha always has company.
I find it weird that I know all this, but I can't apply it...or I don't know how. Sometimes I feel like I do, but it's only temporary. It's like every time I do, I have to reprogram myself and battle against everyone and everything I've ever known. I guess that's why I think I would feel alone...or maybe it's I would feel sorry. Sorry they didn't live in utter bliss and I'd want to console them, but in order to do that I'd have to come back down?
It is so easy to get lost in details.
It is so hard to reverse "maturity."
Maturity: what we are expected to do since we pop out of our mama's womb.
Mama's Maturity: being able to take care of yourself. have a good job. be consistent.
My Maturity: the skill of patience.